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 |  Subject: Did You Not See This Coming? trollface.jpg  Sat Nov 26, 2011 11:59 pm | |
| The Shoot
I mean, how could you not see it coming?
I am Gunther, the God of Sex
And apparently, the God of being underestimated by his opponents.
Apex, you must know what happens to unsexy people who underestimate sexy Gunther. They get kicked in the balls. A lot.
Remember the last man to do it? Why, it was the not-so-sexy Mr. Douche Casey, not so long ago, in a not so sexy past. If you may recall, this man fell for the whole “Gunther gives up” trick. He thought he could beat me easily. He wasted all his energy on me, then boom. I kicked him in the balls so many times that his kids will forever be born with mutant limbs.
It is true. I do not care for wrestling that much. It is not the sexiest thing that Gunther should be doing. But every so often, there is a match that piques my interest. One that I see as a chance to show everyone that the Gunther trend is the only trend to follow. Respect, glamour, champagne and sex. That is how every person should live their life, and that is what I try to tell everyone week in and week out.
Gunther is the sexiest man. There is no other man who can claim to be sexier. Not David Hasselhoff, not Basshunter, not Sexy Sax Man, not even the great Samwell. Tonight, I will disprove any theory that Chuck Matthews is sexier than Gunther. Because he is not. No one is sexier than Gunther.
Chuck Matthews claims that he is the Sex Icon. Yet, last I checked, it was his latest girlfriend who left him, not the other way around. Sexy men don’t let girls leave them Chuck. We leave girls. I think you are a fake sex idol. And tonight I shall expose your unsexiness. You claim that you have had sex with so many women. But this is obviously not true, as no one has had as much sex with different women as Gunther. It is physically impossible. I am a Sex God after all. I live off of sex.
Chuck, can’t even satisfy the young Anna Stone. A girl who’s only ever had one sexual partner before, in Brandon Macdonald. And Chuck can’t even satisfy her. If he was a true Sex Icon, she would be all over his dick like every girl in the history of earth on my dick. She’d be riding him while he did his daily crossword puzzle. But instead, she is off somewhere else, being satisfied in some other way. Maybe I should look her up. I’m sure after the incredibly lackluster sex life the two of you had, I would be much appreciated.
But yes, I will say it again. Chuck Matthews is a fake Sex Icon. I hear he cries when he orgasms. That is not a manly thing to do. Sexy men like me do not cry. They roar, with the force of two lions, feeding on a herd of gazelles. Chuck does not deserve to be around me, let alone be compared to me.
And then there is Jason Hawk. This man is so unsexy, that I can’t even talk about it. He deserves to get kicked in the balls a thousand times. He is just that unsexy. I can’t even stress how much he lacks sexiness. He should not even be in the same ring as Gunther.
This is going to be a victory for Gunther. Because Gunther is the most sexy person in the entire world. And when I try, I kick nuts. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do tonight. Nuts will be crushed, a la Douche Casey of NLWF last year.
I know I will have to do this alone. Because my partner, who I thought was sexy, is in fact not very sexy at all.
Pancake Pete, I’m going to kick you in the balls too. Why haven’t you talked to me or to anyone all week? I know you aren’t going to show up with anything. So Gunther will have to do everything on his own.
As usual.
This is that once a year upset.
This is Gunther’s time to shine.
Much love.
Enjoy your balls while you can Chuck and Jason. Because they won’t last long. |
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