GBA: Boston

I don't want to hurt anyone.

But, if that's the case, how do you explain my heroes? Wrestlers like Conor Blackburn, cool super agent crime lab cops like Horatio Caine. I spend all sorts of time playing "CSI: Miami", and "Fast and Furious Tokyo Drift". The cops don't seem very understanding of it, but I'm not hurting anyone! I know that they all do what they do for the right reasons, or at least I'm pretty sure they do. But still, that adrenaline, that action, the violence captivates me. The worst part is, I don't even know why; or at least I think that's the worst part. Maybe the worst part is that I don't ever stop to think why. I suppose maybe because they have the bravery to strike back at the world like I don't. People are mean to me, I just try to make them like me better. It seems people either like me for it, or think I'm stupid. If I could go ahead and just find it in me to beat the heck out of all of them, it wouldn't matter what they thought of me. They wouldn't be able to think anything at all. That would be kind of nice wouldn't it? I saw Blyss tweet something about what my opinion of her might be, like I've ever given her a reason to think that way. Yeah, things sure would be a whole lot simpler ...

This match is an opportunity to make that happen too. There's ladders, chairs, tables, all sorts of nasty things. If I really wanted to, I maybe could; but I can't, instead I'm afraid.

I'm afraid, not just because I've been out all this time with a concussion, and now I've got people trying to smash me in the head. Actually, I don't even know how afraid of that part I am. The doctors tell me it could be serious, but I don't really want to listen to them. Because the worst thing I ever did last year was listen to them, and take time off to heal my knee. It led to that whole sequence of events where I watched an SCW show in my hometown when I was healing. I got pulled over the guardrail, and somehow I was off trying to fight battles to stick up for myself in their company instead of going back to IWF. Instead of going back after my Rising Phoenix title. After everything I said about the company giving me my break, and what it meant to me, I went somewhere else. I didn't follow through on becoming a great Rising Phoenix Champion. Sure I started to, I put myself out there ready to represent the company anywhere, but I didn't. So I ended up as the only person in this tag match that turned her back.

Sure Blyss left too, but she didn't go anywhere else like I did. And I'm so afraid all the IWF fans will remember that, and hate me for it. They'll see all the big old school IWF stars, see me, and just see a flash in the pan fake. I wasn't, I don't think I was, everything I did made sense at the time and I never stopped caring about this company- but it might not look that way from the outside. That terrifies me most of all, so much that I can't even begin to start thinking about overcoming my other fears. Of using weapons, of getting hurt, of standing up for myself more. All I can think of is that paralyzing fear of what they think of me, and how I'll have to spend all my energy overcoming that. If I do nothing else I have to leave everything I have out there, even if I can't wrestle again after, I have to find a way to make them all know I care.

I don't have a choice.

===

June 2014

Beth was drifting in and out listening to the doctor. She wasn't trying to be the typical hard ass wrestler who ignores what the physician has to say, to tough things out, she really wasn't. But, she just had a hard time with situations like these. Both due to the gravity of what he was attempting to explain to her, as she had a difficult time coping, and due to the medical jargon he used. It was confusing, and pretty boring to her; this was the type of babbling that led to her spending most of her classes in High School doodling in her notebook. As it stood now, she was playing with her nails.

"In short Ms. Keaton, your patella is extremely worn down due to this condition. I would suggest ..."

Cutting him off, she replied in the most adorable way possible.

"You can't patella me what to do!"

After an awkward exchange of glances, she sheepishly added.

"Get it? ... Sorry."

He shook his head disapprovingly, he got the feeling nothing he had said was getting through to her.

"You really need to listen, your knee is in rough shape. I don't know if you need surgery, but rest, and therapy would be reccomended here."

She cocked her head, quite perplexed.

"But if I do that, I can't wrestle and defend my title! People really want to see me, at least I think they do ..."

"I don't think that should be your primary concern at the moment, you have your long term future to think about. Wrestling will always be there for you when ..."

"Do you know House?"

Silence.

"... What?"

Yeah, this kid was in for some rough times ahead.

===

Blog Post

It's been a while since I've done one of these.

Not exactly in an environment I expected, or can say I'm comfortable in. But still, I'm honored to be a big part of IWF's last ever show. They took a chance on giving me my first break, they gave me a platform to go out there, and do what I love. If I've said it before, I've said it a hundred times, wrestling means more to me than anyone could understand. I got to escape, be more than just a girl from Florida who didn't have the best grades. When I stepped in there, I could make people cheer, clap their hands, and no matter how bad I got beaten up, or how hard I got hit? That pain physically was all worth it, because I knew I was making people feel good, which made me feel that way too. For someone that wasn't really expected to do much with herself, that meant a lot, you know? I came from a family of wrestlers who never made it big, they didn't think I would either, or that I even should try to. A dad, brother, grandpa, they all did this too. I dunno what my mom did, I got told she went off to join the Peace Corps but I got a sneaking suspicion that's not true. But the point is, I was surrounded by wrestling growing up, and I grew to love it- even though the rest of my family really didn't. They were resentful of it I think, which I mean made it tough with them not being happy for me, but at the same time? This was mine, the connection I have when I step in there was something I could claim as my own, and nobody could take it from me.

So of course I had to sign up for IWF's last show, One Last Stand, with what this place meant for me on a personal level- even if I wasn't here the longest time. Of course I asked to team with Cynthia, my best friend I had here. This was too big a chance to pass up, even though this TLC thingy we're in isn't really my idea of a wrestling match. I can get past that, because I'm always looking for new ways to test myself, and well just look at this spotlight. This is kind of an even matchup on paper in some ways I think. There's a feistier member of each team who can go a bit on the wild side with the violent stuff, and you've got me and Molly who both have some injuries we've suffered that could make us a bit hesitant here. I know neither of us are going to hold back though.

Here's my thing though about this match. It's not even like I just said, or at least I don't think it is. Cynthia said to me I could just let her do the serious work because she knows I don't like to hurt anyone, but I can't just sit back, or give less than my all. I know she's looking out for me, like she always has, but here's the thing. Look at who's in this match, she's the last ever Rising Phoenix Champion. Blyss and Molly are both ranked as top ten IWF wrestlers of all time. I mean, not that I need awards or accolades. But I came in on a hot streak, won the Rising Phoenix, lost it and then drifted off elsewhere. I absolutely have something to prove as far as just being in this match. They all have a legacy here in IWF, and I don't know that I do. I don't know if I've left my lasting impression in everyone's head besides just being a good prospect. Which just isn't something I can live with.

I need to go out there, and tear the house down, to remind everyone just what I'm about. Because what I want my legacy in IWF to be, isn't as someone who just lost one match, but as someone who always gave it everything she had. Someone who could go toe to toe with anyone on the roster, or at least keep fighting if I wasn't. Who left everything out there, and tried make sure everyone got their money's worth whether it was from a great match, just being entertaining- remember the comic strip I did about Bailee Dawson?- or simply knowing that I was completely genuine in why I went out there to do what I do.

So thanks Cynthia, but no thanks, I've got to go out there and give this everything I've got. Not just to remind people of why they cheered for me, but because I couldn't stomach looking back and knowing I didn't give my friend everything I had, and knowing I didn't give the people or myself my full effort. I'm a bit nervous, but I'm going to leave it all out there one last time.

-Beth

Fin.