Headhunting

The black screen slowly fades in to the 2011 cover of the PWI 500. Every year PWI compiles an annual list of the 500 best wrestlers in the world. They nail down the first 20 or so before they all get drunk and write the rest of the names on Nerf darts and take turns firing them at a dry erase board numbered 21-500 and seeing who sticks where. Seriously, do you really think a handful of people take the time to nail down exactly the “500 best wrestlers in the world?” 500? There aren’t even 500 wrestlers in the world worth watching. After the top 20, 30, or 50…it gets extremely dubious. However, the coveted number one spot? That’s always worth sitting up and taking notice. It’s worth looking over the svelte bod and obnoxious smirk of IWF’s own Dan Alexander. This issue marks the first time Dan has claimed the top spot and graced the cover, but he has been a fixture in the top 10 for a few years now. The camera drifts back to see that it is Lilah holding the magazine in her slender fingers. It rotates ninety degrees to show Stygian kicking back in the corner of some dark bar. Dressed in blue jeans and a Black St. Louis Cardinals 2011 World Series championship t-shirt. Lilith is beside him in a tight crimson Stanford T-Shirt and skinny jeans, Lilah is in a pink and black spaghetti strap top and frayed short shorts, cold weather be damned. Stygian takes the magazine from her, and she slides into the corner booth on the side of him Lilith isn’t occupying. She’s swirling a straw around some opaque pink liquid in a martini glass garnished with a lime. Lilith is nursing a margarita along. Stygian takes a shot glass filled presumably with his poison of choice—Johnny Walker Black— and dumps it into a pint mug with a red Budweiser logo screened on either side of the rim, and then he raises the mug and kills half of it in one gulp. He slams the pint down and looks at the cover of the magazine.

Stygian: Well, lookie here. That’s unbelievable; Dan Alexander isn’t number two for once in his life. Wow! If Dan could ever catch that luck just once in a title match…

Stygian shakes his head and chuckles. He starts flipping through the magazine with one hand and finishing his Boilermaker with the other. He finally gets to #13 and sees a shot of himself with the UECW World Heavyweight title, flanked by Lilith and Lilah. He lets out a low whistle as he reads the little blurb and then moves his finger over the bold type at a the bottom.

Stygian: “2010 Rank: 47”.

Lilah: Nice!

Lilith: Quite a leap. Then again you did have one hell of a year.

Stygian: It’s not over yet.

Lilith: Yes, but they publish this obnoxious rag in October so that it’s on newsstands to fuel the debate until the end of the year.

Lilah: You’re fighting him next weekend. Is he really the best wrestler in the world?

Stygian: Not when a title is on the line.

Lilith: Or a briefcase with a shot at the title on the line.

Stygian laughs, flagging down a waitress in a black collared shirt and tight jeans she really shouldn’t be wearing, and asking for another round. She takes his empties and spirits away.

Stygian: Seriously, did you see that? Briefcase wasn’t even above the ring. Old MacDonald just bought the farm, Dan climbs the ladder and gets all the way to the top! And it’s only then that he looks up and goes “derp, no briefcase.” Jesus, Dan. Have you ever considered the reason that you’ve never gotten over the hump and won the big one…is because you’re really stupid? How do you set up and climb a fucking ladder some 15 feet in the air, and only then finally look up and realize that your prize isn’t there. I mean, Dan, the goddamn thing is, what? 22 inches by 16 inches? Bright silver? How do you miss that?

Lilah: Maybe he sneezed!

Lilith: Sneezed.

Lilah: You know, when he was shooting!

Lilith: He wasn’t shooting.

Lilah: Yeah he was, he was shooting at that silver thing.

Lilith: No, he tried to grab it.

Lilah: While he was shooting at it?

Lilith: He wasn’t shooting at anything.

Lilah: That’s why he missed.

Lilith: How can he miss a shot he didn’t take?

Lilah: The basketball coach in high school always used to say “you always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I totally heard him from the other side of the gym during cheerleading practice.

Lilith: Fair enough…I don’t see what that has to do with anything.

Stygian: Don’t…no, don’t ask. You will just put her into a loop and she’ll start all over again like the Narwhal song. Lilah’s the only person I know who can turn a train wreck into a second train wreck that makes the first one look like a fart in the wind.

Lilah: Aw, thanks Jase.

Lilith: Not sure that was a compli…never mind.

Stygian: So, last week they led a lamb to the slaughter and fed me the Notre Dame mascot. This week I get the best wrestler in the world. How you’re supposed to be better than the man who kicked your ass and took the world title like a thief in the night? Stygian shrugs. Beats me. Don’t get me wrong, Dan, this is an accomplishment. Stygian holds up PWI, showing Dan’s obnoxious grin again. But let’s face it; at a certain point, this damn thing is a college football poll, isn’t it? Is Boise State better than Oklahoma State? The big man shrugs again. Is…His voice trails off as he starts thumbing through the magazine until he gets to #4…Corey Casey…he flips to #22…better than Alexander Remington? How the hell do we really know? Like Boise St. and Oklahoma St. the chances we will ever see these matches are miniscule. The planets have to line up, the stars have to come together, you probably need an act of god and someone dividing by zero in there somewhere. Different conferences in the NCAA assure that most of these games we want to see will never happen, different companies in pro wrestling assure that we won’t see many of these matches. And usually when we get one of these “dream matches” it’s when both competitors are far past their prime. One of these guys are limping out to the ring, crippled with arthritis. The other one is staggering because he’s numb from all the pain killers he has to take to be able to even climb the ring steps. They fumble about awkwardly like a pair of virgins in the back seat of a late model sedan on prom night. And like those two kids, it winds up sweaty and sticky, with the possibility of a lot of pain nine months later.

Stygian: That’s why this is such a rare treasure, Dan. Because suddenly the planets have aligned for us! The stars lit up, we had an eclipse, a solar flare, and by god, someone divided by zero…probably Lilah!

Lilah: Oh yeah, my bad.

Lilith: Lilah! We do that outside.

Stygian: The Black Dragon dies a horrific death and the Time Lord regenerates into IWF. And he’s not the bloated, power drunk, megalomaniac he was just a few months ago. He’s trimmed the excess, put away his past, brought his achievements into perspective, and he’s on a new mission. This match is a microcosm, we have one man fans want to see as IWF champion and one man who is destined to become the first IWF champion. Because you see, this company has never had a world champion. It doesn’t have one now. Did you see that display, Dan? Or had you hit the shower and gone on to drown your sorrows at some watering hole by then? Wouldn’t blame you if you did. I managed to catch it between rounds with these two in our dressing room.

Lilith: We actually did very little dressing for that room to qualify.

Lilah: More like an “undressing room”.

Lilith: See, it’s better if you don’t explain the joke.

Lilah: Really?

Lilith: Yes. Although usually you are the joke so I understand if you don’t get it.

Lilah: But I have you to explain it to me, so it’s all good.

Stygian: Let me tell you, Dan, that debacle that Vincent Van Rose, Robbie Hart and Brandon MacDonald staged was only bearable because I had Lilah bent over the couch and Lilith sprawled out with her legs…well, that’s not important. The point is, we should have turned out the lights after the battle for the briefcase finals. That was a main event. I'll give it to you, Dan: Whenever you see one of the biggest and best matches in the illustrious history of The Insurgency? Chances are you will see Dan Alexander in that match; and chances are you will see Dan Alexander losing that match. Really that’s why this pretty little picture baffles me so much. You do well, you win more than you lose, you’re always hovering around the title, but you always clench up. You never break through. When the big belt is in your sight, you fold like you’ve got a pair of deuces waiting on a face card. That thing shines so brightly, and you wilt under its light every time.

Stygian: It’s not your fault. You’re a top draw in the Insurgency in what will eventually be known as the BBC era.

Lilah: Wait, I thought Battle Grounds was on MEN. They’re moving to the BBC?

Lilith: I know what you were getting at, lover, I know you meant “Before the Black Crusade”, but I think for once Lilah has a point.

Lilah: Actually I have…

Stygian: Interrupting. Don’t! We need to let that joke simmer for a while, especially after last week.

Lilith: Agreed. She still made a very astute observation.

Lilah: No, Lil, you’re the ass girl. I’m like him when it comes to women. Lilah's really good at that grab and jiggle, isn't she? I’ll leave the astute observing to you.

Lilith: You usually do.

Stygian: All the same, yeah, we can’t call it the BBC, that’s taken. We can call it the BS era, then. IWF B.S.; before Stygian. Because before me, the top of the roster pretty much is B.S.. You have one guy who’s ever defended the world title, and he did it once? WOW! Of course, Stygian shakes his head as the waitress finally returns, setting a shot glass and a pint of lager before him, who did Brandon MacDonald defend the IWF title against? You. Congratulations, Dan. Of all the men who’ve gotten into the ring with the IWF Title Holder, of all of them, you’re the one guy who’s never won it. Every person to carry that belt, and none of them have been a champion, has pissed it away…except when Brandon MacDonald put it up against you. And you’re the best wrestler in the world…Stygian laughs. Just goes to show me that the writers at PWI are as dumb as the majority of these fans. I see them. They’ve got their DA shirts, their foam fingers, somewhere some kid in the Faroe Islands is logging into an E-Fed…

Lilith: Watch the wall…

Lilah: There she goes with the damn wall again.

Stygian: I have never seen this “wall”, Lilith.

Lilith: Look, I told you, you can’t see it. It’s just sort of there. The whole idea is that you can’t see it. But if you break it, there’s trouble. It would be a disaster of biblical proportions.

Stygian: What do you mean “biblical”?

Lilith: What I mean is Old Testament, Jason, real wrath of God type stuff.

Lilah: Oh great, she left the Mormon church, but remembered all the books…

Stygian: Exactly.

Lilith: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes…The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

Stygian: ENOUGH! I get the point! Breaking the wall is bad.

Lilah: I’m still fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing, what do you mean “bad”?

Lilith: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

Lilah: Total protonic reversal.

Lilith: Wait, how do you know…this is one of Lilah’s Rain Man moments, isn’t it?

Lilah: Can we, like, think of something else to call it? I’m definitely not a man. So I def-def-d-d-definitely can’t be Rain Man.

Lilith: I’ll think of something.

Lilah: Ok. So yeah, Jason, total protonic reversal? Ok that’s bad. Important safety tip, thanks, Lil.

Stygian: Anyway…somewhere there’s some kid in the Faroe Islands, in his B36 t-shirt loading up his e-fed and he’s got Dan Alexander as his pic base. And he talks all the time about good old DA in the chat box, and he’s all “OHMIGAWD DAN ALEXANDER IS THE BEST EVER I’VE SEEN ALL OF HIS MATCHES ANDICAN’TBELEIEVEIWFDOESN’TUSEHIMMOREANDGIVEHIMMORETITLEMATCHESANDDAKKADAKKADAKKATROLLFACE!" And there’s a hundred like him all over the world and they all just know you’re the uncrowned king of IWF. Of course, they’re the kind of dipshits I kicked out of my last video. The kind of people who can’t see the forest for the trees. They think the “one and done” curse is a good thing because they keep thinking that the bandwagon they’re on will break it. I realize I made some enemies last week with my video. I made even more when I allegedly jumped Tim Patrick backstage and carted him out to the ring. Well, I have a news flash: I’m not the guy who jumped Tim. My hand to god, I didn’t do it. Hitting guys from behind and writing in blood? Neither are my style. However the man did sign a waiver and he was my opponent so I did help him to the ring. Of course, most of you watching it, even the announcers, thought that was a malicious act. How? I helped an injured man to work, really, and I get criticized for it. I’d like to point out that Mr. Patrick seemed even to the task once the bell rang. He even landed the first punch! And I’m the bad guy.

Stygian: I don’t expect the unwashed masses to understand the Black Crusade. At this point it isn’t at a place where you can understand it. It’s a curiosity. More people care about the collapse of Succession, the emergence of Apex, and Brandon MacDonald tearfully dedicating his title to his late brother. You people ate it up, too! You fail to realize that Brandon MacDonald essentially dedicated a mugging to his dead brother. Given how he died, that’s probably fitting. It’s probably even appropriate. What it isn’t? It isn’t inspiring. This was hardly “Win One for the Gipper”. Brandon MacDonald hires a couple of heavies to jump the World Heavyweight Champion after he’d just legitimately won the belt. Brandon MacDonald hires these two guys with a couple live animals hanging off their shoulders, has his sister lead them down to the ring and beat the crap out of the legitimate World Champion, then he comes down and flops on him, and he raises the title like he actually did something. And you fuckers, you dumb ass fans went nuts. If Brenton Cyrus had done it you dumb sons of bitches would have crucified him. But because it was one of your chosen few…I mean paying to have someone rendered unconscious and then laying on top of them? That’s probably the majority of Brandon MacDonald’s sex life, so it only figures that he fucked Robbie Hart that way. A man legit destroys the World Champion, and you boo. Another man mugs him and you go nuts.

Stygian: You people are making me sick. I only draw solace from the fact that very soon I’m going to return the favor tenfold. One by one I am going to destroy your idols and tear down your heroes. All those people you adore and buy the shirts and chant and cheer? I’m going to break them down one by one. I wanted to start with Steel Angel and his streak, but Aric Voss did that for me. Steel can drop way down the list now, because he’s no longer a god, just a man. A man worth beating, but not going out of my way to so do. Aric Voss did one thing Dan; he made you the number one target. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t request this match, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t want it. IWF is too dumb to realize what they have. I expect it from the brain-dead fans, but IWF Corporate? You’re wasting a crowning moment! This match should be part of a double or triple main event on pay-per-view. It should be lower, I’ll admit, but it should be there. In the days and weeks to come, people will come to look back on this occasion and appreciate it for what it was.

Stygian dumps the shot into the pint and knocks the whole thing back in one long draught. He slams the mug down, takes in a deep breath, and wipes his mouth on the back of his hand.

Stygian: God damn, what a rush!

The waitress comes towards the table, bu the big man waves her off.

Stygian: Not just yet, thanks.

The waitress keeps on walking, right past their table.

Lilith: Negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full.

Lilah: Yeah, hehe.

Stygian: I said I would sacrifice Tim Patrick and officially open the Black Crusade. I did it. I didn’t just beat Tim Patrick, I destroyed him. Of course, that’s not good enough. Our “esteemed” World Champion, you know, Mr. Roofie of the Month Club, isn’t impressed, apparently.

Stygian pulls out his iPhone and taps it a few times. The different colored lights flicker across his face as screens change. It doesn’t take him long to get where he’s going.

Stygian: Here we go. “IWF Champion,” and really champion should be in ironic quotes here, “Brandon MacDonald comments on the upcoming Battler grounds.” And I quote, “Maybe you guys forgot that Stygian beat Tim Patrick last week. Tim Patrick. Not Corey Casey, or Brenton Cyrus or some main eventer. He beat Tim Patrick. And until he shows me that he can beat some of the best, I'm going with a guy I know is one of the best, Dan.” Strong words from a man who kicked your ass, Dan. You should be proud. You’ve got the IWF title holder singing your praises.

Stygian: I say title holder because Brandon MacDonald isn’t the IWF Champion. You see, IWF has never had a champion. It’s had a bunch of guys taking turns passing a shiny little bauble around month to month. I’ll grant Brandon that he’s the closest there’s ever been to an IWF Champion. As stated earlier, he has one defense. No Dan, I won’t revisit your greatest failure. Actually, is that your greatest failure? Really, there are so many, it’s kind of hard to narrow down. And this coming Battle Grounds will be your greatest failure, Dan.

Stygian: The last company I was in, I decided to rule the world. This time I’ve decided to save it. I’m building a better world, and I accept that the other wrestlers, Rick Christian and the fans are probably too short-sighted to see it. You know, in my last company, the guy I took my first title from said he was “bringing back the golden age of wrestling”. I thought he was silly then, but I realize now that while his skill was lacking and his dialogue was hackneyed, his heart was in the right place. It was better then than it is now. But you can’t just saunter down to the ring and declare a new golden age”. I realize what I thought was hokey then, was merely uninspired. I can’t just say I want it to be all better, I do, but just spewing the message like an Occupy Wall Street protester until I’m blue in the face? That will solve nothing. I’ve come to realize that making it better isn’t possible. I don’t have the tools. I’m not that kind of man.

Stygian: So what I am going to do is make it worse. A lot worse. I’m going to cast the darkest shadow you’ve ever seen over this business. I’m going to impress Brandon MacDonald, because they’re not going to give me an IWF title match anytime soon, so I’m going to have to collect heads until they come around and see it my way. I’m not going to coast through a tournament where I only have to truly beat Dan Alexander to win a briefcase and cash in opportunistically. I’m going to start with Dan Alexander, and where the rest of the names fall is of little consequence. Brandon MacDonald, Brian Hunt, Jason Hawk, Steel Angel…well, they’ll probably fall first because they’re “righteous cause” types. When the heroes of IWF have failed, then it will turn to its ruthless side. First will be Voss, because his ego won’t be able to resist. Then will be Robbie Hart, who will be trying to wash the stench of Succession’s complete abject failure off of him and reclaim glory. Then in desperation they will turn to the eight-hundred pound freak. And when he falls? They’ll clamor for it to happen. First the fans chanting and Rick Christian’s desperation will lead to him calling up Johnny Styles. “Johnny, he’s destroyed everyone else, I need you.” And Johnny will take up the flag, and he’ll come down the aisle and he…will…fail. And then Corey Casey will come along. He’ll come along and he’ll lay his life and his legacy on the line to save IWF from the clutches of the Black Crusade; and I’ll take them both from him.

Stygian: And that will be your greatest failure, Dan. Not the title loss to MacDonald, nor the inability to look up a ladder before you climb it. Because the fans and the wrestlers will harken back to these days. They’ll be decking the halls in 2012 saying, “You remember when nobody could hold on to the IWF Title?” “Yeah, man, before Stygian made it his personal property.” “You remember when he beat Tim Patrick and we all laughed. We all went ‘Black Crusade lawl’. You remember that?” “You remember what he did to Dan Alexander the next week?” “Oh, yeah.” “They all just sorta started falling like dominoes after that, didn’t they?” “Every month on pay per view. Cages, cells, street fights…” “Remember the Casket Match with Syco?” “That…that wasn’t right.”

Stygian: They will remember these days, Dan, and they will mark your greatest failure. You see, I’m going to show the world what each and every wrestler in that locker room should aspire to be. Next year? This…slapping the cover of the PWI 500…will be me. It will be me, holding the IWF title as the first real champion. The first man to hold the belt for longer than two months. The first man to carry it proudly and defend it fiercely. The man everyone can point at with no uncertainty and say “that’s the cream of IWF right there.” Right now you all think I’m crazy. More than that, you think the plan is crazy. As I’m going to prove to IWF, the sanity of the plan is of no consequence, because I can do it! And therein, Dan Alexander, will be you greatest failure. The top of the PWI 500, the pop-singer girlfriend, the seven-figure contract, the adulation of fans, and none of it will cover up the only thing anyone is ever going to remember you for in IWF. Because your greatest failure? Your greatest failure will be that you had the chance to stop me…and you couldn’t get it done.

Stygian reaches into his pocket, pulls out some bills and sets them under his empty pint mug. He collects the book and motions for Lilah to slide out of the booth.

Stygian: Lilah, I need you.

Lilah: Ew, Lil’s the one who likes the quickies in grimy bar bathrooms.

Lilith: Told you those short shorts would get you in trouble.

Lilah: I thought you meant because it’s 35 degrees out.

Stygian: No, I need your nose.

Lilah: Double ew!

Lilith: Not that is kinky.

Stygian: No, I don’t…wait…what the hell could I do to her nose?

Lilah: I don’t want to know.

Lilith: Come to think of it, neither do I…and I brought it up…

Stygian: No, I need Lilah’s sixth sense. Name the kind of store, and whatever city we’re in, Lilah can find it intrinsically.

Lilah: Oh yeah. What do you want?

Stygian: Bridal salon.

Lilah: What for?

Stygian: You’ll see when we get there.

Lilith: I told you this was going to be kinky…

Lilah: Will all three of us fit in a dressing room?

Lilith: One way to find out.

Lilah and Lilith slide out of the booth, It takes Stygian a little more effort to slither his seven foot frame out of the cramped space, but he eventually manages it and slips his arm around Lilith. They take off behind Lilah, who strikes out like a bloodhound on the trail.