This one's for you, James

Our video begins in media res. Stygian is sitting in a studio in a BLACK CRUSADE t-shirt. He’s flanked by Lilith on his left in a black t-shirt which reads “Your Little Princess Is My Little Whore”. Lilah sits to his left in a pink t-shirt which has the word “PRINCESS” in purple font wreathed by an off-center tiara. They have a Rising Monarchy poster behind them.

Stygian: …I think it’s the arrogance that bothers me the most. About all of them, really. These guys think they deserve something just cause they founded the company. Like they should be at the forefront of the Insurgency simply because they built it.

An IWF Producer or some other kind of production personnel is heard form off camera.

IWF PRODUCER: Shouldn’t they?

Stygian: Hell no. Lamar Hunt and Al Davis founded the AFL and were responsible for the merger; does that mean that the Chiefs and the Raiders should get into the AFC playoffs automatically?

IWF PRODUCER: Well, when you put it that way…

Stygian: …it sounds ridiculous. Doesn’t it?

IWF PRODUCER: I don’t want to…I…it could mean my job if I agree with you. Mr. Casey is kind of touchy.

Stygian: Don’t worry about it, you aren’t going to be on camera. You’re five-foot-nothin’, hundred and nothin’. You aren’t one of the best professional wrestlers in the world. You aren’t a beautiful woman who’s graced the cover and the pages of Playboy.

The girls wave, Lilah even blows a little kiss.

Stygian: You don’t belong on this side of that camera with me. So don’t worry, go head, say something.

IWF PRODUCER: Well, you know…

Stygian: [interrupting] Actually shut the fuck up. You set up cameras and get coffee; nobody wants to hear from you. You’re not the star here. I am the star. This face. These two are the stars, those bodies. Nobody cares what you think.

IWF PRODUCER: Well, okay. You were saying that the ego of Upper Limit bothered you.

Stygian: Yeah, because Upper Limit wants to be paid for work they’ve already done. Corey Casey is crying to Rick Christian, he wanted a paycheck when he wasn’t working. Brandon MacDonald is holding up a title he mugged a man for. I mean, he mugged the man. Can anything else be said?

IWF PRODUCER: Well, if we’re being fair…

Stygian: Did I tell you to talk? I’ll tell you what, let’s work out a system since you seem to think you need to be heard. You sit back there in your goofy polo shirt, with your bad Dan Fouts beard and your faded Lakers hat, and you seem to think that your opinion is more important than the seven foot killing machine with the chiseled features and the Playboy models. You seem to think you have a relevant opinion. Like you’re gonna get in the ring. I’ll tell you what, if you really want to play a part in the title match this Sunday, I’ll let you lace up my boots. That’s what you can do. You can come tie my boots. That’s it. But if you think you need to talk, raise your hand. And if I acknowledge it, then you can talk. Ok?

IWF PRODUCER: I…uh…

Stygian: That wasn’t one of those times. You can answer without talking. Stygian points into the camera. Those idiots don’t need to know your answer. Now if I tell you to talk, you can talk. Do we have an understanding?

Lilith: He’s nodding.

Stygian: Okay. Cause if you talk over the top of me, if you interrupt me and derail my train of thought again, I’m going to beat the shit out of you. You understand? I’m going to beat the holy hell out of you. Alright?

Lilah: Oh he’s nodding again.

Lilith: Quite emphatically.

Stygian: You talk over me again; I will turn this interview into a colonoscopy, and we’ll use the same camera. Look at how big this beast is, Stygian points to the camera, and think about how little your asshole is. You don’t have to show me, in fact we’d all prefer you didn’t. Now maybe you’re a tight virgin flower, maybe you get your stool pushed in out behind The Blue Oyster on a nightly basis. But I’m willing to bet it would hurt to have this beast crammed up there. So you shut up unless I tell you to talk.

Lilah: Oh look, he’s shaking.

Lilith: I think he gets it.

Stygian: So where was I? I was talking about the mugging of Robbie Hart. That’s…there’s no other way to put it. Brandon MacDonald hired a pair of thugs and had his fiancé lead them down to the ring and kick his ass. He had them beat down Robbie Hart until he couldn’t walk anymore. He had Robbie beaten down until he couldn’t stand under his own power. That’s the long and short of it. Brandon MacDonald can’t defense that action. Brandon MacDonald can’t excuse it. He can’t explain it any other way. And if Brandon MacDonald doesn’t look into the camera and say “I am a coward” then every word out of his mouth is a lie. You can’t trust a word he says unless he looks into the camera and says, “I am a coward.” Because what he did was cowardly. It was the act of a coward. Yeah, you got something to add?

IWF PRODUCER: That kind of is the stipulation of the briefcase. You can cash it in anytime or anywhere.

Stygian: And only a fucking coward hires a pair of thugs to go down and beat the man up after he wins the title. Yeah?

IWF PRODUCER: Brandon MacDonald had been in a grueling match just a few minutes before, if he hadn’t had anything to even the odds, Robbie Hart would have had an advantage.

Stygian: Then Brandon MacDonald waits and cashes it in like a real man. Robbie Hart legitimately dismantled Vincent Van Rose to win the title. If Brandon MacDonald didn’t want to take him on fresh while he was spent, Brandon should have waited. He could have come out on Battle Grounds and challenged him to a match at Pick Your Poison. I realize the briefcase lets you pick any time and any place, but a real man would have walked up to Robbie, and picked a time and place. He would have cashed it in and met him in a match. He wouldn’t have blindsided him. Brandon MacDonald is a coward, and you can’t say much else for his friends. Look at Upper Limit, look up and down the line. Cowards to the last. None of them, not a one of them could get the job done on their own. Look at the High Impact Title match. Three former World Champions against a rookie who doesn’t have ten matches under her belt. She’s excited enough about the match and too dumb to see it coming. How convenient that three members of Upper Limit find themselves against a 150 pound woman. What big tough men Upper Limit are. Here I am, prepared to face their king, their big gun, their crown jewel; I had the chance to pick the match, and I didn’t even want a cage. I know they’re going to come out and try to stop me. I know Upper Limit is going to get involved in the match, and I don’t care. Because I’m not a coward and they are. Three men to beat on a woman greener than the Irish countryside after a spring storm. Wow. Meanwhile I go in fearless. What are they going to do? Robbie Hart figured “if he can't beat them, join them”, so he did. James Shark fell flat on his face trying to get the High Impact title from me, so he figured he needed some backup. Corey Casey is chickenshit, he doesn’t get in the ring unless he “wants to”, which means he will never get into the ring with me. And why would, really? Who wants to get in the ring with me? Nobody. People do it because they have to. But nobody looks at a dragon and says, “I’m going to go poke him with a stick and make him angry.” Nobody does that.

Stygian: For all their talk about bringing respect and honor back to IWF, Upper Limit are just power-mongering thugs. And I’m not afraid of them. I’ve already abused half of them. I put their new recruit through a table and if he comes near me, I’ll do it again. I beat down Ruben Ricardo Leon, I beat him with a crooked ref. I beat him so hard that Brandon got out of the ring and made a sandwich between the counts of “1” and “2”. Then Corey Casey wanted a sandwich and complained to Brandon, so he got out of the ring between the counts of “2” and “3” to make Corey Casey a sandwich and I still had Ruben Ricardo Leon beat for him to come in and finally count “3”. So what’s Upper Limit got to throw at me? They have little now, and will have less once I kick Brandon’s ass and take my title. It’s always been my title, since I signed on the dotted line; everyone knew it was my title. Man, let me tell you, when my contract ran out in UECW, I bet every world champion in every company in the world…I bet their assholes shriveled up so tight that you could have stuck a lump of coal up there on Monday morning, and had a diamond by Tuesday night. Because they were all afraid I would come to their house and end their reign. Let me tell you, true story. Vincent Van Rose was world champion when I was signed. Now we all know what happened with Robbie and Brandon, we don’t need to rehash that, but after the beating Robbie gave him, he was out for a while. And he came back for a brief time, and I guess he was backstage, talking to people and doing his thing, and he saw me with the High Impact title from about 40 feet away, and he couldn’t tell what belt it was. Apparently he turned to whoever he was talking to and he said, I’m paraphrasing a secondhand account here, but he said, that when he saw me with a title, he took it for granted that it was the world title. Vincent Van Rose knew from one look at me, from listening to me talk one time that I was going to be IWF Champion sooner rather than later.

Stygian: I guarantee you, even before his career was on the line; Brandon didn’t want this match to happen. Because Brandon is a coward. We’ve proven this. Go back and watch Violent Impulse. That’s all the hard evidence you need. Brandon didn’t come out to Robbie Hart like a man and challenge him to a match down the road. Because the briefcase is a great tool to use for guys who can’t win the world title on their own. You ever notice nobody cashes in one of these things, you see them all over the place now, I don’t know how this bullshit got started, but everyone has one of these briefcases and they cash them in…you ever notice it’s always like a thief in the night? They come down and jump on someone when they’re already out cold. And let’s be honest here, that’s how most of these guys probably get laid; jumping on someone when they’re unconscious and they can’t defend themselves. Brandon MacDonald pretty much roofied Robbie Hart and fucked him out of the title. That’s about his speed. I mean look at his last two girlfriends! Kegan Davis-Brown is a former porn star, and Ashley Matthews is such a whore she’s fucking a woman her dad used to nail! If there aren’t roofies involved, Brandon needs to go after someone who’s been ridden more than Seattle Slew. A porn star and a whore with daddy issues, Brandon MacDonald has been happy with sloppy seconds. Yeah, what?

IWF PRODUCER: In all fairness, you’re in a polyamorous relationship with a pair of Playboy models.

Lilith: And your point is…what?

IWF PRODUCER: Well…uh…

Stygian: Famous, beautiful women often are asked to pose for Playboy, like Vanna White or Katarina Witt. Some women get famous because they are beautiful and posed for Playboy like Shannon Tweed or Pamela Anderson. What’s your point?

IWF PRODUCER: Well, before that even, Lilith was a nude model in Japan, and Lilah was a stripper.

Lilah: So what? That doesn’t mean I fucked every guy in the joint.

Lilith: Nude modeling is actually quite common in other countries. It’s not correlated to promiscuity at all. Now I’m no nun, but just because I’ve let people see me naked doesn’t mean I’ve got half the history of Alison Williams or Kegan Davis-Brown. And so what if Lilah was a stripper in college? She went to college in Vegas. Being a stripper in Vegas is like flipping burgers in any other American city. It’s practically a rite of passage. You’re promoting an ugly stereotype.

IWF PRODUCER: Fair enough I suppose. Can I ask a question?

Stygian: If you must.

IWF PRODUCER: Brandon MacDonald had just gone through the loss of his brother James, do you think he maybe just wanted to dedicate a special moment to the memory of James MacDonald?

Stygian: How about that ladder match? Hmm? How about a match of the year candidate that gave him a guaranteed world title match? Or why not go out and have a world title match, an honest to god world title match, and beat Robbie Hart for the title like a man? Why not do that? I’ll tell you why, because Brandon MacDonald isn’t a man. He’s a joke as a champion and even less of a man. Hire thugs to mug a real world champion? You know what bothers me the most about that whole period of time is how he used his brother’s death. He used the death of James MacDonald to garner sympathy and support. He’d point to it whenever he needed to justify his actions. “Brandon, you did douche thing A”. Dead brother. “Brandon, you did asshat action B.” Dead brother. “Brandon, you stole the world title like a coward.” Dead brother. And if you said anything, if you called him on it, people jumped down your throat for speaking ill of the dead. Brandon led them down your throat. It turned Brandon into this sort of sacred cow of IWF. Nobody questioned his actions, nobody pointed out that what he did to Robbie Hart was cowardly. Nobody pointed out that that shot with him clutching the title and tearfully crying out “This one’s for you, James!” was actually quite pathetic. He dedicated a mugging to the memory of his brother. Granted: given that James MacDonald was stabbed in an alley; it was probably appropriate to dedicate a mugging to him, but this wasn’t a courageous triumph of the human spirit. This wasn’t Roy Hobbs crushing a three-run homer in the bottom of the ninth in The Natural. This wasn’t Rocky Balboa beaten to a pulp and standing in his corner after finally knocking out Apollo Creed in Rocky II. This wasn’t “Win One For the Gipper” in Knute Rockne, All American. This was Dick Jones gloating over Bob Morton on a message he recorded from the safety of his own office while he sent Clarence Boddicker to kill him in Robocop. That’s the lowly level Brandon MacDonald struck from! He’s not even…he’s not even Clarence Boddicker. He’s not even ED-209. He’s Dick Jones! I mean, he dedicated a reprehensible act to the memory of James MacDonald. I can do that!

IWF PRODUCER: Please don’t…

Stygian: Hell, I did do that!

IWF PRODUCER: Oh god.

Stygian: Let’s roll that beautiful bean footage!


The screen is filled with Stygian’s face as he holds his hands up and grabs something just behind the camera.

Stygian: Have we got audio?

Lilith: [off camera] Yeah. Audio and video are good.

Stygian: Boob camera is a go.

Lilith: [off camera] You do realize that grabbing her boobs doesn’t actually do anything to the camera?

Lilah: [off camera] When has that ever stopped him?

Lilith: [off camera] Just making sure.

Stygian: Alright, we’re here, we’re at Six Flags. I’ve decided that since Brandon MacDonald thought so little of James MacDonald that he dedicated a mugging to him. Since I think even less of James, mostly because he’s related to Brandon, I’m going to dedicate my own reprehensible acts to him. Let’s start here. Lilah just, point your boobs. The button cam is on your shirt.

Lilah: [off camera] Point the boobs, got it.

Stygian turns away and walks, Lilith slips in beside him. The camera, which is apparently somewhere in the vicinity of Lilah’s boobs, lingers back, following. Stygian scans the park.

Lilith: What are you looking for?

Stygian: I’ll know it when I…hey…there we go. There we go. Get over there, Lilah!

Stygian points off to his right, Lilith scrambles and the camera bounces as Lilah runs to keep up with Lilith.

Lilith: Careful, don’t mess up the camera.

Lilah: [off camera] I didn’t wear the right bra for running around.

Lilith: You should have.

Lilah: [off camera] I didn’t know we were going to be running, and I damn sure didn’t know I was going to be the camera. Where is he.

Lilith: Let me check the feed, let me, alright, smooth your shirt down…good, good.

Lilah: [off camera] Where is he?

Lilith: Over there, you see him?

Lilah: [off camera] Oh yeah, I’ve got him.

There’s a young man in a Six Flags t-shirt posing for a picture with two of the actors who wander the grounds dressed as the various characters Six Flags has licenses with, in this case Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. Stygian wanders in behind the kid, with his back turned, pretending to be taking a picture of something else. He glances towards the camera, then at the kid’s parent…and drops his pants. Bare-ass all up in the picture right as the flash goes off, it looks like the kid is wearing Stygian’s ass as a hat, and probably looks worse in the picture. The kid’s mom screams, the kid’s dad yells, the kid turns around, sees Stygian’s ass and starts crying.

Kid’s Dad: hey what the hell, buddy.

Stygian: THIS ONE’S FOR YOU, JAMES!

Stygian gives a thumbs up, pulls up his pans and runs off as the kid’s dad gives chase for a moment until his wife gets him set to retake the picture. Lilith and Lilah are heard to be laughing their asses off. Lilah looks over to Lilith who’s shaking her head and looking at her phone.

Lilith: He just texted me, he says to meet him at the Spongebob 3D theater.


Cut to what seems to be a utility room somewhere underneath a building. There’s a dull, droning machine and some pipes and a fuse box. Stygian is holding two silver canisters and has a full-face breathing mask. He holds two more, which he offers to the girls in turn.

Lilith: Why these?

Stygian: This stuff is weapon’s grade regurgitant.

Lilah: [off camera] What now?

Lilith: the smell of it makes you puke.

Lilah: [off camera] Oh, god.

Lilith dons her mask, Lilah lifts her mask up and puts it on as well, presumably. Stygian sets the canisters down for a second, and dons some elbow-length black rubber gloves. He holds up the canister.

Stygian: For those of you playing the home version, this is concentrated weapons-grade regurgitant, it’s a crowd control method. They’re still messing with it; it won’t be deployed for another year or so. I think the thought is, if you’re too busy throwing up, you won’t riot or whatever. I don’t know how that will work, but I know this stuff works.

Stygian moves over to a black steel tank with glass sides containing a clear liquid. He opens a valve and the tank drains. Then he closes the valve and opens the tank lid. He lifts the canisters up again.

Stygian: We’re under the “Spongebob 3D Experience”. It’s really kind of cool. They show the movie in 3D, they shoot bubbles out, it sprays water…and they also pump in a nice sea smell…from this tank, actually…

Stygian unscrews the canisters and dumps them into the tank. He closes the tank and seals it. After that he moves over to where a series of coil tubes disappear into the wall.

Stygian: …flow regulator…flow regulator…flow regulator…flow reg…aha…here it is!

Stygian wraps his fingers around the red butterfly valve knob and turns it about four times. He tips up his mask and slides it off his head.

Stygian: The movie started ten minutes ago, c’mon!

Stygian takes Lilith and Lilah’s masks and tosses them away, and the three of them run, the camera bouncing as Lilah goes, up a set of stairs and into a lobby all done up with enough Spongebob to look like a seven year old’s bedroom. There’s a pair of 20-something kids in Six Flags uniforms standing behind a concession stand eyeing them suspiciously.

Stygian: Oh, hey guys! Got a little lost looking for the john.

One of the young men looks at him skeptically. However there’s a great commotion in the theater and they look away from Stygian and the girls to talk amongst themselves. Suddenly people come pouring out of the theater. Mostly parents and children. Most of the parents are doubled over. Most of the kids are covered in stick, multi-colored chunks. Everyone is red faced and holding their stomachs. Most of them don’t stop vomiting just because they don’t have an appropriate receptacle. It looks like a mass-poisoning in the movies, which in all fairness it probably is akin to. Stygian and Lilith standby as Lilah turns the camera on them.

Lilith: We probably should have kept the breathing masks.

Stygian: We probably should go now…

Lilah: [off camera] This is gross, if we don’t go, I’m going to be hurling with them.

Stygian turns to face the camera and gives a thumbs-up.

Stygian: This one’s for you, James!


Back out in the main body of the park for a bunch of fast cuts.


Stygian walks up to a man drinking a soda. Stygian snatches the man’s soda and dumps it over his head head.

Stygian: This one’s for you, James!

The next cut features a forty-something looking mom with her two kids at one of the many picnic tables scattered throughout the park. They have some of those generic amusement park food baskets. The kids are done eating and mom send them off on their way to wherever. He reaches into her untouched basket, finally hoping to eat in relative peace. She snatches up a few fries, her gaze lingering idly in the direction in which her children wandered off. Then she grabs the hot dog bun gently and pulls. And pulls. And pulls…until she and the camera both look over to see that Stygian is standing at the end of her table with his fly open. Even with the bun strategically placed, the digital squares are still needed to keep the fact that this woman has a completely different kind of sausage on her bun. She looks down, and her eyes widen in terror. Then she looks up at Stygian, who waves.

Stygian: Afternoon, ma’am. You ordered the footlong?

The woman looks down again and shrieks in terror, before getting up and running away. Stygian turns to the camera and waves.

Lilah: [off camera] She probably saw something she doesn’t see at home.

Stygian: This one’s for you, James!

In the next cut, Stygian takes a balloon from a kid, and kicks his dad in the nuts when the father protests this gross mistreatment of his son. The father doubles over and drops to his knees. Stygian taunts the child by holding the balloon just out of his reach and trying ti entice him to reach for it, like Dennis Rodman going after a loose board. After thinking about it, Stygian draws his foot back and kicks the little boy in the nuts too. Father and son share a bonding moment on the asphalt of Six Flags. Stygian lets the balloon go into the sky and turns back to face the camera with a smile.

Stygian: This one’s for you, James!


Stygian stands next to Lilah, with a black nylon strap cutting across his blue Superman t-shirt. We can now see that Lilah is in a pink three button t-shirt, and the bottom button is a black plastic bubble, probably the camera. Stygian is standing on a secluded platform overlooking one of the lower-level arcs of the Texas Giant roller-coaster.

Stygian: Okay, as you can see we’ve abandoned the boob camera.

Lilah does the obligatory grab and jiggle, for no real reason other than to show off her impressive rack.

Stygian: It’s served us well, but I wanted a high-speed option for this. Lilith’s got a high-speed high-def digital camcorder. IT shoots at roughly 1500 frames a second?

Lilith: [off camera] I think so.

Stygian: Good, we should get some good shots on this.

Stygian slides the strap off his shoulder and brings a silver paintball gun to bear. He lifts it up and aims down the sites, right onto the roller coaster track. Lilith slowly zooms in on roughly the same stretch of track that Stygian’s aiming his artillery towards.

Stygian: [off camera, now] Okay, zoom in! Zoom in. In, in, in.

Lilith: [off camera] I’m in, I’m in.

Lilah: [off camera] Here it comes!

Stygian: [off camera] Crank up to high speed!

The picture seems to slow down. As details become more clear, the roller coaster comes in from the edge of the screen. A barrage of red balls streams in from the left side of the screen. They hit the people on the roller-coaster and rupture upon impact. From the looks of it Stygian must have the thing on full auto; he’s getting about as many of them on the coaster cars as he is hitting people. If you forget they’re paintballs, it actually looks gruesome. Hard projectiles striking people, erupting in a shower of red as people flinch, recoil and scream from the impact. For a split second it looks like a real shooting. And god knows, as fast as a paintball travels, and as fast as the roller coaster is going, people feel that impact, look down and see red? They probably think they’ve really been shot. Once the roller coaster has gotten past and is heading back up the incline on the other side, the picture returns to normal speed. The camera pans back and Stygian is laughing. People are screaming as the roller coaster goes away. Stygian breaks down the paintball gun into its component parts and tossing it over the side of the guard rail.

Stygian: We can beat it to the end, let’s go.

The tape cuts to the end of the ride, where the next line of people are waiting to embark. However the people on the roller coaster and still screaming. They look like they’ve just come home from war, limping and clutching at red, splattered wounds where paintballs burst and bruised their bodies. Stygian laughs, and the camera pans over to Lilah and Stygian again.

Stygian: Nobody heard the paintball gun, haha!

The kid responsible for running the ride gets on his radio and is screaming rather animatedly. Paramedics and Six Flags security rush to attend people as they gradually come to realize that they are the victims of a cruel prank, not a cruel attack. They linger in the camera’s eye before it turns back to Stygian and he smiles into the camera.

Stygian: This one’s for you, James! Come on, let’s get out of here.

Lilah: Aren’t we going to go to the PA and tell everyone the park’s on fire?

Stygian: No, that last stunt is drawing a lot more attention than I thought it would. Look over there, real cops.

Lilith: [off camera] You’re afraid of a few cops?

Stygian: No. But once they start connecting the dots, then detectives show up. Then they look at what I did to the theater and they get the idea that this is some kind of terrorist act, which they will to begin with…you know what? We’re better off leaving.

Lilah: Where are we going?

Stygian: To church.

Hello Lilah! The screen opens up with a shot of Lilah’s face front and center.

Lilah: Okay, the belt-buckle camera is on, is it working?

Lilith: [off camera] Honey, it’s been working for ten minutes.

Lilah appears to blush.

Lilah: Lilith, you filmed that?

Lilith: [off camera] We had to test the camera.

Lilah cants her head to the side and then looks to the right.

Lilah: How did it look?

Lilith: [off camera] Like your eyes and the top of your head moving forward and back about fifty times. Not as cool as I thought it would be, actually. Here, hold this.

Lilah stands and moves off camera.

Lilith: [off camera] Okay, boob camera 1?

The frame goes black for a second, until we see Lilah, and she is dressed mighty fine, and she’s doing it without showing a whole lot of skin for a change. She’s got a small tablet in her hands.

Lilah: Looks good.

Lilith: [off camera] Okay, hand it over.

A slender arm shoots in from the right side of the screen and takes the tablet from Lilah.

Lilith: [off camera] Boob camera 2?

The screen blinks again and Lilith is seen holding the tablet.

Lilith: Yeah, that looks good. Jason, I think we’re ready.

Lilah turns to Stygian who is leaning against the wall, dressed in a gray suit with matching tie. He nods.

Stygian: Okay, three camera set-up is a go.

Lilah: [off camera] How come we have cleavage cams and yours is in your belt buckle?

Stygian: because I’m seven feet tall, if I wear a button cam we’ll get a lot of background events as I shoot over the head of the person I’m talking to. Now come on, let’s go to church.

Lilah: Let me go fix my lipstick…

The screen is black for a second, before a time-lapsed montage set to ”Jesus, He Knows Me” by Genesis. The cameras are all rotated through as the procession of the acolytes coming down to the altar signify the beginning of mass. And then footage of a Catholic Priest in his ceremonial robs is intercut with footage of Stygian and the girls. Stygian listens intently. Lilah chews gum absently. Lilah rolls her eyes. Stygian sings right along with hymns right out of the hymnal. Lilith bites her tongue. Lilah raises her hand like she’s got a question and Stygian throws it down and shakes his finger at her. Stygian takes communion and gives whoever happens to be collecting the footage at this particular moment an evil grin as he passes by them. And back to another round of singing, eye, rolling, gun chewing and the traditional handshake of peace exchanged between members of the congregation until the song fades out and the priest stands at the front of the altar.

Priest: I would just like to remind everyone that the Knights of Colombus will be hosting their traditional breakfast in the all-purpose room behind the church in half an hour. God by with you.

Congregation: And also with you.

Priest: Go forth in service to the Lord.

Congregation: Amen.

The footage cuts to what must be Lilith’s camera as she and Stygian sit at the end of a long table draped in a simple linen table cloth. There is a cup of coffee near the bottom of the screen. Lilah has a plate of eggs and toast in front of her, and Stygian seems to have rebuilt the Parthenon out of bacon and sausage. Seeming appearing from the ether, the priest stands over Stygian’s shoulder and clears his throat. Stygian turns to look.

Stygian: Oh, Father! What a wonderful surprise!

Lilith: [off camera] Isn’t it just?

Stygian stands and shakes the priest’s hand.

Stygian: Pleased to meet you, Father. My name is Jason.

Priest: I…know who you are. Several of my congregation do as well. I came over to talk with you. May I sit?

Stygian: Please.

Stygian pulls out a chair and waits for the father to seat himself, before retaking his own chair.

Stygian: Father, this is my wife Tina and our friend, Amber.

Priest: Delighted. Jason, was it?

Stygian: Yes.

Priest: You’re that professional wrestler from television, aren’t you? The one they’re persecuting for that young man’s unfortunate death?

Stygian: Guilty as charged. Beat. Of being that guy, I didn’t kill anyone

Priest: That’s what the medical reports say. Let me get right to it, shall I?

Stygian: Please.

Priest: From what I understand, the three of you are in some kind of sinful relationship that mocks god’s tenants of marriage. Am I wrong?

Lilah starts chewing on toast to cover up for being a lousy liar.

Stygian: Oh well...Father…of course…that’s…that’s just a thing…we do…for the show, you know? That’s not real. Tina and I are married, Amber just travels with us.

Lilah nearly chokes trying to swallow toast before weakly adding:

Lilah: Totally.

Priest: I see, I thought it might be that. I’m not unfamiliar with the trappings of your business. As a younger man I was a fan, even.

Stygian: Oh, really?

Subtle switch to Lilah’s camera, showing the priest, Stygian and Lilith from left to right.

Priest: Yes. I was rather fond of Nick Bockwinkel once upon a time.

Stygian: Nick was great, one of the best.

Priest: Naturally I haven’t watched much since joining the seminary.

Lilith: Naturally.

Priest: May I ask why the three of you came here?

Stygian: We’re on the road and far from home. My wife and I are Catholic.

Lilah: [off camera] I thought she was Mormon.

Stygian: She converted.

Lilah: [off camera] I thought she said it would be a cold day in Hell before she…

Stygian: [interrupting] She said that in a wrestling promo.

As the priest turns his attention to Lilith, Stygian looks into Lilah’s camera and gives the “cut” signal. Finally Lilah seems to get the idea and shut up. The Priest looks over to Lilah.

Priest: And what of you, dear? Are you a Catholic as well?

Lilah: [off camera]: Oh, hell no! OOP!

The camera jolts and turns to Lilith, who is giving her a “bitch, shut up” look.

Stygian: Ha, ha…what she means is, she’s non-denominational, but you know how it is, going to church in a strange town, don’t know anyone…

Priest: Yes, I suspect I that would be intimidating. So she just tags along?

Stygian: Of course. It’s all the same in the eyes of The Lord, isn’t it father?

Priest: Quite true, quite true, my son. You’re certainly welcome here anytime you like, young lady.

And judging from the way he’s looking almost right at the camera, there are two big reasons Lilah is welcome.

Priest: Well I can’t neglect my parish, delightful as this has been. May god bless you.

Stygian: And you, Father.

The Father takes his leave with one last lingering look at Lilah’s jugs. When he’s out of earshot, Lilith chuckles.

Lilith: It’s scary the way you work these people.

Stygian: Tina, I was raised Catholic, it’s not hard. Just praise Jesus and feel guilty. That’s all there is to Catholocism.

Subtle shift back to Lilith’s camera.

Lilah: Have you found something awful to do so we can get out of here?

Stygian: Not yet I…

Lilith: [off camera, interrupting] What about that!

Her hand appears from the edge of the screen, pointing to a poster on the wall featuring a hand-drawn depiction of Jesus and some kids building a snowman.

Stygian: Winter carnival; Saturday, January 28, 2012 12pm; Antioch Park. Lilith, you’re a genius.

Lilith: [off camera] 16 hours short of a PhD from Stanford!

Stygian: Lilah, you brought your laptop with Photoshop, right?

Lilah: Always.

Stygian: Okay. I need a gay pride rally flyer printed up and then find a kinko’s or something and get me 300 copies.

Lilah: Now?

Stygian: Now, we’re leavi…wait a second…is that lemonade?

Lilith: [off camera] Looks like it, in that bowl.

Stygian: Chance favors the prepared mind, Lilah, wardrobe malfunction, go!

Lilah: Here?

Stygian: Over there.

Lilah: How much of one?

Stygian: Total!

Lilah: …alright, shit, hand me that knife.

Stygian hands her a serrated knife, Lilah makes a few slits in either side of her dress and one up by the shoulder, barely noticeable.

Lilah: I liked this dress.

Lilith: [off camera] I did too!

Lilah stands and moves of across the room. Lilith keeps the camera on her as she and Stygian amble over to the empty at the moment buffet table.

Lilith: [off camera] How come she always gets to do the naked distracting.

Stygian: [off camera] She’s going to be in her underwear, not naked.

Lilith: [off camera] Still…?

Stygian: [off camera] Three reasons. Reason the first, she was a stripper. Reason the second; she was a gymnast, a ballet dancer and a cheerleader at UNLV. She can get her clothes off while twisting around in midair…

Lilah takes a half step into the corner of one of the tables, and “trips” over the leg of a chair pushed out suddenly. The she “accidentally” catches the hem of her dress on the corner of the table, and another it of it on the chair and “stumbles’ forward several steps leaving her tattered dress hanging off the corner of that table, and leaving her in the middle of everyone in a pink satin push-up bra with black lace, and matching panties…and every eye in the room on her.

Stygian: [off camera] …and reason the third, she can make it look like an accident.

It’s quiet for a collectively held breath, before it becomes pandemonium. Mothers are trying to avert their children’s eyes. Wives are slapping husbands. A few men are trying to give her their suit coats. Nobody is looking over at Stygian by the punch bowl. Nobody hears the unzipping of Stygian’s fly, nor the addition of some extra water to the sparkling yellow lemonade. Lilith turns to see Stygian from the back as he spikes the punch, as it were.

Stygian: That lipstick of Lilah’s is not a good color on me.

The running water stops, Stygian zips back up and he steps back, stirring the lemonade up by the time Lilah is led over to him by the priest and another member of the clergy who’s wearing the pants that go with the suit coat Lilah is wrapped up in.

Man: …damndest thing I ever saw, pardon the language, padre.

Priest: Of course. Jason, Dr. Franklin would like his coat back, would you mind?

Stygian: Of course.

Stygian oversees the transfer of coats, leaving Lilah wrapped up in his gigantic coat like a short robe or small dress. The Doctor takes his coat and departs. When he’s gone, the priest turns to Stygian, Lilith and Lilah. Stygian ladles up a glass of lemonade.

Priest: That “accident” seemed a little to convenient. I will not have you make a mockery out of God.

Stygian: He doesn’t need my help, Father.

Priest: I see. Jason, I am going to go use the men’s room. When I return, I expect you and your companions to be gone, or I will be calling the police. Understood?

Stygian: Perfectly, father.

Priest: Good. Now, I’ll take that!

The priest snatches the glass of lemonade and walks off, making a strange, sickly, surprised face as he takes his first sip.

Priest: It’s a little bitter.

Lilah: I know, right?

The priest smiles curiously, and points at the illuminated red EXIT sign.

Lilith: [off camera] Lilah, what you swallowed came from a different set of pipes.

Lilah: It’s still a little bitter. Would it kill you to cut back on the scotch?

Stygian shakes his head and steers Lilith’s camera back towards him with a hand on her shoulder. Stygian points at the tainted lemonade.

Stygian: This one’s for you, James!


The next time the screen comes to life, Lilith is behind the wheel inside what seems to be a fairly large automobile. Lilith has the tablet in hand again.

Lilith: Okay, the camera is a go. Are you sure one of us shouldn’t come with you?

Stygian: [off camera] Lil, it’s called “The Man Cave” and it’s a gay bar.

Lilith: Point taken.

Stygian: [off camera] You and Lilah hit up those other addresses. I’ll get a cab and hit the last two and see you guys back at the hotel. Lilah, the flyers please?

Lilah’s hand comes into view, presumably from the back seat holding a very well done flyer from “The Rainbow Connection” advertising an “Over the Rainbow, Out of the Closet” rally that just coincidentally happens to be at the same time, date and place where the church picnic will be held on the 28th.

Stygian: [off camera] “Rainbow Connection” huh?

Lilah: [off camera] Yeah, is that alright?

Stygian: [off camera] It’s fucking brilliant! Here, I’ll take…this feels like about 30. Alright, here I go. Once more into the breach we few, we happy few, we band of buggered…

Lilith: Do you really want to say “buggered” before you go into there?

Stygian: [off camera] Good point.

Lilah: [off camera] Actually she has…

Stygian: [off camera, interrupting] I know, I know.

Stygian gets out of the car and walks towards the door of The Man Cave. He takes a breath to steady himself and walks in. Wall to wall pork sword! Well, not just hanging out and doing the meatspin or anything. It’s a 21st century gay bar, so it’s not a bunch of shirtless men in leather like The Blue Oyster scenes in the old Police Academy movies. It’s a bunch of GQ looking men who spend more time grooming than Lilith and Lilah combined. Very well dressed, very precisely manicured, trimmed up, detailed…is it no wonder these guys could get any woman they want? It’s god’s cruel joke on them, and on us, heterosexual men. Gay guys get all the women. Stygian gets a few smiles, and quite a few appraising size-ups as he makes his way to the bar. The bartender smiles broadly at him.

Bartender: What can I get you with my number, stud.

Stygian holds up his left hand, showing his wedding band.

Bartender: Oh, snap! What’s the lucky man’s name?

Stygian: [off camera] Lil…uh…Lil…uhhhhhhhhhAllllllllex. Alex.

Bartender: Jeal-oussssssssss. Said in a sing-song voice. What’ll it be?

Stygian: [off camera] Johnnie Walker, double, straight up.

Bartender: Coming right up. Where is Alex?

Stygian: [off camera] He’s in Saint Louis.

Bartender: And what are you doing in Kansas City?

The bartender sets a half-full glass of whiskey before Stygian. Stygian slides the stack of flyers across the bar back to him.

Stygian: [off camera] I wanted to hang those up in here.

Bartender: “Rainbow Connection”, I haven’t heard of you.

Stygian: [off camera] It’s something that got started in my hometown. Up in Boston. We’re slowly branching out, and Kansas City is this weekend. It’s sort of a project of a friend of mine who would like to come out, but can’t because of his job.

Bartender: Oh really? That’s so sad. Where does he work?

Stygian: [off camera] I really, can’t…if I told you, you’d be able to guess who he is.

Bartender: You with friends, here.

Stygian: [off camera] Okay, well, he plays for the Patriots.

The bartender has a wide-eyed look.

Bartender: Brady?

Stygian: [off camera] What? No. Tom loves the pussy. Look I won’t out him, but let’s just say his nickname may or may not rhyme with “HONK”.

Bartender: Honk? Suddenly the lightbulb appears to go off. Rob Gronkowski is gay?

Stygian: [off camera] You didn’t hear that from me.

Bartender: You know, I kinda figured that out from looking at him. He has that look. I mean that picture with his alleged girlfriend? Trying way too hard, honey.

Stygian: [off camera] That’s what I told him. But, you know how they are in the closet.

Bartender: It’s an ugly place.

Stygian lifts the glass up with whiskey in it, and sets it down without.

Stygian: [off camera] Well, this has been positively enchanting, but I simply have a lot of ground to cover tonight. So I’ll pay my tab and be on my way.

Bartender: Oh, I’ll hang these flyers, don’t worry. And don’t worry about the drink. Your check is your name.

Stygian: [off camera] My name?

Bartender: So I know what to call you when you ravish me in my dreams.

Stygian: [off camera] Oh…my name is…Corey. Corey Casey.

Bartender: I will spread your legend, you sexy beast.

Stygian: You tell them Corey Casey loves the cock. Tell everyone, everyone, Corey Casey loves the cock.

Bartender: Oh, I will. I will tell everyone who’ll listen that Corey Casey loves the cock.


Back to another shot of Stygian with his hands on either side of the camera.

Lilith: [off camera] You do realize that adjusting my boobs doesn’t do anything to the camera.

Lilah: [off camera] You say that like he cares.

Lilith: [off camera] Oh I know he doesn’t, and usually I don’t mind getting groped, but getting felt up at Chuck E. Cheese’s really isn’t that high on my list of turn-ons.

Stygian: Lilah, do we have good picture?

Lilah: [off camera] Boob camera is a go.

Lilith: [off camera] Okay, Jason, you can let go of them for now.

Stygian stands and turns away, looking over the restaurant, and pointing. Lilith turns to see about three rows of tables set up, each one with pizzas stacked end-to end. Near the wall is a table heaping with gifts wrapped in various cartoon-character wrapping papers. A woman and a man are arranging the gifts, the woman finally lifts up a big box done in white paper with Black Dragons patterned all over it.

Woman: Honey, who is this one from?

Man: I…don’t know babe. What does the tag say?

Woman: “From Hell”. She looks a little sick for a moment.

Man: Relax, babe. That’s probably Iggy’s idea of a joke. At least his pants have stayed on most of the day.

Woman: You’re probably right. But I’m not leaving this tag to be read in a room full of 9 year olds.

Man: Probably for the best. Hurry up, they’re coming!

Cut to the same three tables, but there is now a huge group of children around the central table. Most of the pizza is gone, and there’s a Lightning McQueen cake in front of a little kid wearing a foil cardboard crown that ready’s “Happy Birthday”. Chuck E. Cheese himself, or at least the store employee who drew the short straw to have to wear the insufferably uncomfortable costume in a room full of screaming nine year olds, presides over the birthday. The permanent molded smile of the rodent is somewhat unsettling. The video has come in just at the end of “Happy Birthday to You”. Everyone claps and the birthday boy looks around all smiles. He goes to blow out the candles, but the woman from earlier stops him.

Woman: Wait! Let mommy get her camera ready…

Everyone seems to turn and look towards the camera as there is only one person left clapping. Stygian steps into the shot, wearing his Crusader Cross black duster, and still clapping.

Stygian: Oh man, I love a good party.

Woman: Oh, um…thank you. Uh…

Stygian stops clapping and steps into the middle of the throng of kids, who all seem to instinctively know to get out of his way. He goes over to the gifts table and grabs the whit box with the black dragon pattern.

Stygian: The cake, the candles, and here’s Uncle Stygian’s gift!

Stygian sets the box down behind the cake with its still-burning candles. The whole restaurant seems to have gone quiet. The kid reaches for the gift, but Stygian shakes his finger.

Stygian: Uh-uh-uh…first we blow out the candles!

Lilah hands Stygian a fire extinguisher, and he engulfs the center of the table in a cloud of CO2. The birthday boy cries as his cake is ruined. The boy’s father gets up.

Man: Alright jerk, you’re done!

Stygian blasts him with CO2 and cracks him in the face with the fire extinguisher. The room gasps, but nobody dares to move.

Stygian: Now before I was so rudely interrupted…

He hands the fire extinguisher back to Lilah.

Stygian: We’ve blown out the candles…

Stygian slips his hand under the cake and balances it on his hand, like a waiter carrying a tray.

Stygian: Why don’t you have some cake, mommy?

Stygian just lets mom have it. Just clocks her with the cake, mom is covered in frosting and cake, and she falls over backwards form the force. Now the birthday boy is crying, and some of the other kids are too, but it’s eerily quiet all the same. Stygian digs a remote out of his pocket.

Stygian: Now we open our gifts. Let’s start with uncle Stygian’s gift!

Stygian presses a button on the remote and the sides of the box blow out with a little puf of compressed gas…and what must be a thousand spiders come pouring out. All. Hell. Breaks. Loose. Kids start screaming and running away. Mothers are grabbing their babes, fathers are coming up to confront the bad man and getting punched out, or thrown away violently. Stygian lifts one such man and throws him into one of those basketball shooting games with the nets and breaks the hell out of it. Finally Nobody stands between Stygian and Chuck E. Cheese himself. The kid in the costume must be paralyzed with fright. Stygian Spartan Kicks the rodent over and Lilith’s hand comes into view holding a bottle of lighter fluid and a book of matches. Stygian squeezes the lighter fluid onto the table and strikes a single match from the book, and uses it to light the rest. Then he lights the lighter fluid on fire and drags up Chuck. Stygian Hoists the limp person in the suit over his head, turns and Baneblades the rodent, through the flaming table. Lilah and Lilith move in with fire extinguishers once Stygian’s clear, but he waves the off. He drags the guy in the mouse costume out, Chuck’s back is on fire. He directs Lilith and Lilah to take care of the table, but he stomps out the flames on Chuck E. Cheese, brutally. Thankfully the flames don’t seem to have gotten through the costume. All told? One Chuck E. Cheese cleared the fuck out, about a thousand Daddy Long Legs unleashed, mom is slumped in the corner, covered in cake. Dad is lying on his back wearing a crimson mask. Chuck E. Cheese lies nest to a burnt and destroyed table, the costume ruined by fire. And the birthday boy is frightened in the corner, crying his eyes out, and shaking, shrieking for him mommy to come save him. Stygian goes over to the kids mom, and drops to one knee. He licks the frosting off the side of her face, getting a good taste of the cake, since that’s where most of it wound up.

Lilah: Ew. He licked her face.

Lilith: [off camera] You usually like him licking confections off of your body.

Lilah: So do you, but not the face. It’s all, cold and stuff.

Lilith: [off camera] Would you prefer he…what…cooked her face first?

Lilah: Maybe heated it up a little. Raw face is just gross!

Lilith: [off camera] I’m going to pretend this conversation never happened…even thought I know Jason will put it in the final cut.

Amidst all this, Stygian stands, turns to the camera and smiles.

Stygian: This one’s for you, James.


Judging from the fact that Stygian and Lilah are still wearing the same clothes they were at Chuck E. Cheese’s in, this must be later the same day. There’s a group of people in warm clothing over by one of the picnic areas milling about. There’s some booths set up, some people playing little rinky-dink carnival games. There’s a long table of food behind everyone. That same Catholic Priest who stared at Lilah’s jugs and kicked Stygian out of his church is there, smiling at people, talking to them, drinking from a stainless steel coffee mug.

Stygian: Stop here, this is close enough. Wait for iiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

After a few moments, a big swell of people comes up from the right. They’re carrying signs. Some of them are dressed in elaborate, colorful costumes with some kind of Rainbow motif. Men and women, some walking hand in hand. Some are dressed like the characters from the Wizard of Oz, which is really big at gay rallies…probably because of that whole “over the rainbow” insinuation. They’re carrying signs which read things like “We’re Queer and We’re Here”. As the edge closer to the church’s winter carnival, it’s like watching those old westerns where the lit fuse inches closer to the powder keg. Some of the people at the church picnic begin to notice the rainbow warriors marching. Ranks begin to form, and the two groups come together. There’s a man in a leather cowboy costume with assless chaps standing between the gay pride rally side, and the Catholic picnic side, exchanging words with the priest. Suddenly a row of people step in around the priest, pointing fingers at the gay people and then up to the sky. Then a column of the gays step in around their “sheriff”. More fingers are pointed. Several of the Catholics bless themselves and begin praying. Then someone from the Catholic side shoves someone from the gay side. Then someone from the gay side shoves back. A Catholic slaps a gay man in the face. Then the guy in the cowboy suit tries to hit him with a sign, misses and gets the priest, and all hell breaks loose. It’s a full-fledged rumble with both sides diving in. Stygian pulls a black box out of his pocket, flips a switch, and hurls it into the middle of the fray.

Lilith: [off camera] What was that?

Stygian: A cell-phone blocker with an 1800 yard radius.

Lilah: That’s, like, a mile. They can make those?

Stygian: A military-trained electrical engineer can.

Lilith: [off camera] No cell service for a radial mile?

Stygian: Nope.

Lilah: Someone will have to get a mile away to call the cops!

Stygian: Yep.

Stygian pulls a cigar and a cigar clipper out of his pocket. As he clips the end off the cigar, he looks into Lilith’s boob cam and smirks.

Stygian: This one’s for you, James!

Lilah hands Stygian a Zippo from her bra and he lights the cigar, takes a big draw off the cigar, and blows a huge burst of smoke into the air.

Stygian: I love it when a plan comes together!

The shot switches to an external shot of all three of them from the back. They turn towards the camera and walk away from the chaos in slow motion. as some fitting music plays. The camera keeps them in frame with the ongoing riot as the song plays, and they time it just so that they’re embarking a black GMC van with a red stripe that wraps around the front and encompasses a spoiler at the back.


It is a dark, snowy night in a cemetery, from the three graves seen. As light shines down on the middle grave, it becomes clear that this is the grave of James MacDonald. As the two graves next to it are brought to light, it becomes clear that this is in fact not the grave of James MacDonald. Several things might clue one in. For one, it is highly unlikely that Adolf Hitler is buried on one side of James. The dates on Hitler’s grave are correct, but the fact that the epitaph is in English means that this probably isn’t really Hitler’s gave. Though the fact that Hitler’s English epitaph reads “What A Bastard” might be indeed genuine. Looking at the other gave in the shot, it is impossible that James MacDonald is interred next to Dan Alexander. James was buried in Canada, if I’m not mistaken. And Dan is quite famously buried in California. Though the dates are correct, Dan Alexander probably wasn’t buried under a tombstone which reads, “Here Lies Dan; He Never Scored.” Brandon MacDonald will instantly know this isn’t James’ real grave. For one, it’s likely, probable even that Brandon paid for the funeral, and the grave stone. He probably oversaw every last detail of his brother’s final resting place. He’ll know this isn’t the tombstone he paid for. The name “James MacDonald”, the date of birth and the date of death are correct. However Brandon likely arranged the epitaph on James tombstone personally, and he surely didn’t let them carve, “Killed himself so people would quit pointing out his brother is Brandon” on the granite.

Stygian walks into the shot, his back to the camera, the Templar Cross on his duster glowing. He sticks his hands in his pockets and takes a deep breath and teeters. It’s probable that Stygian is a little drunk.

Stygian: Well, James, what do you think? … You think Brandon’s fucked? … Yeah, I do too. … Yes, I did that all for you James. All of it. … I’ve had a few. … Johnny Walker, of course. … Yeah, Brandon probably is drinking some fruity umbrella drink. … He probably would have Rob Gronkowski’s cock in his mouth if Rob wasn’t getting ready to choke with the rest of his team in Indianapolis. … Yeah, they changed up the Pro Bowl a little since you died. It’s the week before the Super Bowl now. … Yes, Brandon should be in Kansas City and trying to save his career. … Yes, he does think he’s not wrestling his last match. … It was pathetic. Guy has the match of his life coming up and he fucks off to shoot a show in Hawaii with his boring friends. … I don’t know what “thunder powers” are either. … James Shark suffered brain damage when I put him through the table. … I didn’t think he had one to damage, either. But I’m afraid of Brandon? Shark’s afraid of me. … Well a Dragon has no Upper Limit. … Some of the most reprehensible things you’ve ever seen? … Hey, Brandon dedicated a mugging to your memory, how am I any worse. … yes, you should expect that from me, but, your brother? … Like Dick Jones in Robocop? … Oh where he sends Boddicker to kill Bob Morton…I hadn’t thought of that. … Hey, I’ve got a studio promo booked for tomorrow, do you mind if I use that? … Cause it’s a good line! … Even you think his career is going to be over? … So I can use that? Thank you, James. … Hey! Dammit James! I didn’t kill Dan. … Yes I do see him there next to you. … I didn’t actually kill him. … Send your brother to meet you the same way I sent Dan? I can try. … Bon Scott, Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham and John Entwhistle? … Dude, not only do I not mind you ditching me for that concert, I’m kinda jealous I don’t get to go. … Take it easy, James. … I told them Corey Casey loves the cock, I must be the craftiest motherfucker alove!

Stygian stumbles a few feet over and stands over Dan’s grave, leaving James in peace.

Stygian: Well, here we are again, Dan. You and me. Craig Hemming destroyed Tori’s bodyguard. Saved me the trouble. I might send him a bottle of Johnny Walker. Oh, heh, remember a few weeks ago I said I’d bring you one? Remember I said I’d pour it on your grave? I’m a man of my word. Remember I said I’d drink it first? Stygian unzips his pants. I’m a man of my word…


Full circle, back to Stygian sitting in the studio with Lilith and Lilah. All three of them are looking just off to the right of the screen.

Stygian: Are you going to be alright, man?

IWF PRODUCER: That is some of the most reprehensible conduct I have ever seen. I mean, where do I start? Those kids at Chuck E. Cheese are going to be scarred for life.

Stygian: Do you think so?

IWF PRODUCER: YES!

Stygian: Oh, you are so nice to say that. Thank you.

IWF PRODUCER: I read about that riot in tonight’s paper, it was all over the local news today. People were hurt, it’s a miracle nobody was killed.

Stygian: I do not hurt people. That is…that is my least favorite thing to do. Nobody was hurt; they just had a big brawl in a park. Some punches thrown. Few signs broken. Good, clean family fun.

IWF PRODUCER: Styyyyyyyyyyyyyg that hurts people.

Stygian: It does? Oh, oh wow, I didn’t know that.

IWF PRODUCER: How can you not know that?

Stygian: Yeah, I’m in the wrong here. I suck.

IWF PRODUCER: What is wrong with you?

Stygian: Well I incite riots and I ruin kid’s birthday parties, that’s two things.

IWF PRODUCER: And you think you…you who ran amok at Six Flags, you made kids cry, you made a theater of 200 people vomit, you kicked a seven year old and his father in the crotch…

Stygian: and they say parents don’t do things with their kids anymore.

IWF PRODUCER: You urinated in a punch bowl at a Church breakfast, you inflicted severe emotional damage at a child’s birthday party and beat up a seventeen year old girl in a Chuck E. Cheese outfit…

Stygian: I didn’t know it was a girl, how did you find that out?

IWF PRODUCER: And then you incited a homophobic riot. Beat. And they’re blaming Corey Casey for it!

Stygian: Yeah, I might have uh…well I might have taken some fake gay pride rally flyers to a few gay bars in the area…

IWF PRODUCER: And?

Stygian: And I might have told them I was Corey Casey.

IWF PRODUCER: I see.

Stygian: And I may or may not have told then that Corey Casey loves the cock. Beat. I also may or may not be the craftiest motherfucker alive.

IWF PRODUCER: So you did all of this, and you somehow think you would make a better champion than Brandon MacDonald, a decorated UFC veteran and founder of this company. You think you have the right to take the title and end his career.

Stygian: Who better? I set all of that up in a week, off the cuff. Imagine what I can do for this company as its champion. As the face of the company! As the standard bearer, as the first man they think of when someone watches IWF. Give me six months with that belt…I’m going to hold it for a lot longer than that, but give me six months with that thing and I will revolutionize it. I’ve already beat Chuck Matthews. I’m going to retire Brandon MacDonald and give this company its first real champion. Next thing you know I’ll dismantle Corey Casey and then I’ve set myself above IWF’s sacred “holy trinity”. I’ll have transcended it. I will be the new God of IWF. I’ll tell you what, IWF fans, I hope you DVRed Three for All, because that’s the last you will ever see of Brandon MacDonald. And now I hope you take a good, long look at me. Sunday I will take the crown and claim the throne. All men who draw breath within my sovereign realm will bend the knee…or I will destroy them.

Stygian and the girls stand and the camera tilts up.

Stygian: Oh, I’d just like to tell all you fine folks working hard to put all these last-minute touches on things around here before Rising Monarchy hits the air tomorrow night? I’d like to let you all know I really appreciate your hard work. I appreciate it so much that I made the coffee for you. I even went all out and used the same secret ingredient I used in that church’s lemonade.

Suddenly the camera pitches to the right and falls to the ground with a brief blast of static. The footsteps of several people are seen to run away, presumably towards the closest toilet. Stygian lifts up the camera, turns it right and looks down the lens, looking into the screen.

Stygian: Idiots. I haven’t been here long enough to piss in the coffee. Power of suggestion, huh? I bet you think I’m all talk, Brandon. I bet you think you can roll off that plane from Honolulu, fall out of bed and beat me Sunday. But you can’t. You can’t and you won’t. You’re coming down to that ring as IWF champion, and you’re leaving unemployed. Don’t take it personal. I’m cleaning out of Nick Ridicule’s hand-me-downs eventually. Eventually I’m going to go put the final nails in NLWF’s coffin so IWF can really, truly live. You, Chuck, Corey, the holy trinity of IWF? You’re done. Your time is past. I’m going to put you in that black box with the rest of NLWF where you belong, and then I’m going to bury you and then? I’m going to visit the grave and do the same thing to NLWF’s grave that I did to Dan Alexander’s.

Stygian smirks and tilts his head to the side.

Stygian: This one’s for you, James.

Stygian punches the screen. The lens cracks and goes to static, before finally fading out.