LuCkY cHaRmS

Thanks to Hostyle Jones upsetting Jinx with the use of Sally, and the disappointing lost to Rosalie, my life has sucked worse than a crack whore turning tricks in a dirty alley. To be completely honest, I would give my left testy to exchange places with said whore

She never had to lube up a Tire Iron, just to get a clown aroused. She never had to play ‘Pluck the Dingle berries’ I’ll bet my life she never had to interview leprechauns

I’ve reached my career low

I was up to my ears with Midgets, all of them dressed and prep to become IWF’s Hornswaggle. Looking around the room I couldn’t help but wonder what the regular eye saw. There were cameras all around, and a bunch of costumed up midgets all dressed to look like leprechauns

The Learning Channel (TLC) couldn’t cast a better sight

Add the interviewing process and we got ourselves a Midget Idol going on. Jinx sent me out to cast him a side kick, but not just any sidekick a Leprechaun. After Hostyle used ‘Sally’ to beat Jinx, Jinx’s lost his mogo for the steel doll.

Which leads us to the question: ‘WHO WANTS TO BE THE INSURGENCY’S SIDE-SHOW MEL?’

After three hours of midget searching I wasn’t any closer to finding Jinx’s leprechaun. I saw everything from Ompa Lompa’s to Munchkin’s but none that would pass the hard standards of Jinx. They had to be creepy little shits, the stuff that has nightmares written all over them. That’s what Jinx wanted, that’s what I had to find

James Walker
“Coming up next…”

CRASH!!!

Jinx
‘What in the name of Harry Potter is taking so long Jimmy James?’

Great, this was the last thing I needed to deal with. Jinx came crashing into the conference room, arms spread wide apart and a bottle of Jim Bean in his hand.

Jinx
‘Does it really take this long to find a freaking leprechaun?’

James Walker
“Harder than you would believe”

Jinx
‘Did you check the end of a rainbow?’

James Walker
“Unfortaintly, I haven’t found a rainbow. Were in the middle of a freaking desert!’

Jinx
‘What about Craigslist?’

James Walker
“Whatever, You’re welcome to join, after all this is your sidekick”

Jinx
‘Sidekick? Jimmy James, I’m looking for my comic relief’

As if he needed one, he took a seat and I waved in the next hopeful. As soon as he entered the room, I had a feeling it was him. Sure the guy opted for a clown outfit rather than a leprechaun, whom I found hilarious

James Walker
“What’s your name?”

Midget Clown
“Linx”

Really? Linx….This couldn’t be perfect; I may be able to enjoy my weekend after all.

Linx
“My goal is to be the mini-Jin-“

Just like my enjoyment, Linx was cut off. Jinx was held up his hand, cutting the life off of everything around him.

Jinx
‘Never speak without being told to! Do you think I give a flying fuck if you want to be just like me? The last thing I need is another set of lips tonguing off my balls!’

James Walker
“Jinx, please. Kid looks scared shitless, let’s give him another shot”

Jinx
‘Do I have to?’

I gave him the strongest look I could produce, and to my utter surprise it worked

Jinx
‘Alright…Fine...continue’

Linx
“I apologize sir, I didn’t mean any disrespect, I was just trying to build you along with myself up…Maybe I could become your student, then maybe someday I can be looked as the enforcer of midget wrestling’

Ah fuck…I hesitated to look at Jinx, and when I did I saw the look of utter surprise followed by hysterical laughing

Jinx
‘HaHhaHAHahAHhaHAHahHAhahA’

Jinx pointed at the poor soul

Jinx
‘Did you hear him Jimmy Boy…He wants to be an enforcer! Next he’ll be wanting to join Natural Law!’

Jinx fell on the floor laughing, and every hope I had of enjoying my weekend came to an end

Jinx
[color=green]‘Let me guess…You’re willing to shave your head, glue a donkey’s ass to your chin and tattoo girly swirls all over you’re miniature body’

Linx
“Well if you wan---“

James Walker
“For the love of god, do not answer that question!”

This was one of those times you wished people would get the hint and leave. This kid was just standing there taking all of this like it was part of the interview process

Jinx
‘You really got a gift Jimmy James, the gift to fuck everything up. I asked you for a midget, and you bring in this! A mini-clown? Do I look like my name is Doink?’

James Walker
“I just saw a resemblance”

Jinx
‘Do I look like Beno? And I’m not talking about gas relief’

James Walker
“I didn’t know about…that”

Jinx
‘Of course, but you saw the clown outfit…Not what I was looking for!’

James Walker
“Really Jinx? You have a shot at the Full Throttle championship; you should be living it up. As fucked up as you are, you can’t tell me you enjoy all of this?”

I was over-stepping my line, but someone had to. Ever since he won the chance to fight for the Full Throttle Championship at Ragnarok, the guy’s lost control over reality. He’s walking into a match with Beno, Tom Sykes, and Jason Hawk instead of preparing, he’s out here auditioning for the mascot of Lucky Charms

Jinx
‘Not only do I love it, but I won’t be complete without a fucking leprechaun! And you wouldn’t want to see me enter the ring at 50% would you Jimmy James?’

As much as the sight of watching Jinx fight for his life, I had to agree with him

James Walker
“You’re right Jinxy. I’ll double the effort”

Linx
“So did I get the part or no?”

I was too busy going back and forth with Jinx, I completely forgot about Linx. The poor guy was just standing there looking like the village idiot trying to decipher a Crimson Skull promo. I was just about to dismiss the kid, when I noticed Jinx was already on his feet and escorting the kid out of the room

Jinx
‘Listen Kid, my advice to you would be to find yourself a Dunkin’ Doughnuts, buy yourself a box of mini’s, then make a quick stop to your neighborhood liquor store, go home throw in the DVD of Beno: ‘All muscle and no brains” and enjoy your night biting into the pillow wishing you were taller. Because I wouldn’t be caught dead associated with you’

With that Jinx closed the door

James Walker
“Way to put him down gently. I would be surprise if that guy doesn’t end up offing himself.”

Jinx
‘You know what I say Jimmy James, better him then me’

CRASH

I was stunned as soon as the door behind Jinx came crashing open. But not as stunned as Jinx, if you ever had the feeling of being electrocuted and happen to witness the look in the mirror; that is exactly what Jinx looked like, and for good reason he had a leprechaun munching on his man hood

James Walker
“Holy shit!”

Jinx
‘GET IT OFF….GET IT OFF….SON OF A BITCH IS GONNA BITE IT OFF!!!’

I did the first thing that came to mind, I started kicking the leprechaun. I just went to town, kicking him harder and harder doing everything I could to get him off of Jinx.

Jinx
‘FUCKING GROW SOME BALLS AND SAVE MINE!’

I step back and charge with everything I could, the impact was almost enough to flip me backwards. I had a sense of satisfaction. The feeling didn’t last, because at that very moment I realized the hotel police already had the Penis Eating Leprechaun under arrest. I looked down and saw my foot was connected to Jinx’s junk.

Jinx
‘I guess it’s my turn to kick you in the balls…’

Jinx fell to the floor in the fetal position. I quickly raced to see if he was alright

James Walker
“Jinx…Jinx…man I’m so sorry! Are you all right?”

Jinx
‘I’m better then all right Jimmy James, I’m on top of the world!’

Can a kick in the nuts, cause delusional behavior?

James Walker
“How could you be on top of the world, I just kicked your nuts into your stomach”

Jinx
‘I found my leprechaun!‘

James Walker
“You gotta be shitting me?”

Jinx
‘I’ll slap these boys on ice, you bail out that midget!’

I was dumbfounded, but did what he asked. I grabbed my wallet and chase after a half-pint of crazy. Left Jinx right where he fell. I got away with kicking him in the balls, I wasn’t about to try my luck. Anyways, it wasn’t like he didn’t have anything to think about.

He had to remove Jason Hawk’s stank from the Full Throttle championship

Had to prove to the world that The clown is once again on a championship level

Had to prove he belonged in the Insurgency

I just hope his jewels and ego heel before the epic fatal fourway



Jason Hawk … Didn’t the Natural Law put an end to your run here in the Insurgency? I recalled them bringing down the Hawk’s Nest with you in it. My god you’re like a bad case or herpes, just when you think you’re cured, you get a nasty outbreak! The whole reason we had these matches to qualify for the Full Throttle Championship, is to rebuild it after you pretty much killed the entire division. Don’t believe me, just look at some of the past week qualifiers, it’s almost like no one wants the fucking championship!

No one knows what to expect from the Full Throttle championship, because thanks to Jason they forgot all about the fucking thing

For those who don’t know just why Jason retired with the championship, it’s simple. Jason Hawk is a shit stain on the sport of professional wrestling; He has nothing to be remembered, so his only chase to fame was to keep the Full Throttle title around his inactive ass as long as he could. Please Jason if I’m wrong correct me, if you’ve done anything in your sad career besides kiss the ass of every promoter you’ve worked for prove it. You hung around NLWF because no one else wanted you. The only person who believed they could use you was Nick Ridicule. Even after countless no shows, countless loses, and just forgettable moments he still kept you around. But you did nothing to earn that paycheck. Just you’ve done nothing here in the Insurgency. You’re that guy who floats around the locker room area, looking for handouts and occasionally makes an appearance on TV

You’re the Al Snow of the Insurgency … Congratulations

But of course your not the only one taking up space in this match up, we also have Tom Sykes. Everyone’s favorite underdog. The kid has lost more matches then anyone who has broken into the Insurgency, yet still believes he can achieve something here. After every disappointing ass kicking, he remains humble and keeps trying to make himself relevant. See this is what happens when people view Jason Hawk as a role model.

Tommy, you’re too cookie cutter. You’re delusional and you’re insecure. You don’t know what you want and while doing so, you trick your mind into believing that you can succeed. You know as well as I do that you can’t succeed. Not against me, anyways. You’re never going to go anywhere being as insecure and brittle as you are.

And last but not least we have Natural Law’s very own ‘Barry Bonds’ Beno! Take a second there roid monkey and think about that reference for a second, I’m sure you’ll get the joke by next week. You’re a glorified bouncer for NL, to believe your anything more would be ridiculous.

Let’s face it you oversized gorilla, I’m the only real challenge standing in your way of becoming Full Throttle Champion, the only thing standing in NL’s way of capturing another championship at Ragnarok, your facing the fresh face, the sickest motherfucker on the planet and most likely the only registered sex offender in the Insurgency. It is that influence that makes my revolution so promising. But what you've neglected to notice is that I do not care about the Full Throttle Championship as much as you think. I only want it so it can be used as a platform to destroy more talent in this company...

...to prove our point.

It will be a pleasure to watch your 'career' or lack thereof, fall by the wayside. It will be a pleasure, to dissect you within the confines of the squared circle because you are everything I hate. Correction, I hate just about everyone but nonetheless, I am going to hurt you. I am going to crush your pride, dreams, and your body all in one fell swoop will enjoying your Last Laugh

because that's what I do.

Make no mistake foolish believer that is what I will be going for, right at the sounding bell. There will be no show boating, there will be no grandeur, just complete and utter annihilation and a new champion!

No one can stop A clown from laughing.

And this clown ain’t laughing until I have that Full Throttle Championship

ToOtLeSsS