SR Homecoming Feedback

I think this is one of the best I've done in a while, please let me know what you, my friends think

Ok so I told you I'd give you some feedback so here it goes. Now I'm going to be harsh and critical yet point out strengths as well.

RP #1

When I started reading your first RP right off the bat it seemed odd. Like this is informative to the point of BORING. But I noticed why...
http://www.smliv.com/mountain-destination/1323-shi-yo-means-hello.html
Next time I'd just talk about it from SR's perspective it's much more interesting that way. It'll be less dull and keep people interested in it. Like perhaps SR is getting off a bus standing in the desert dirt looking at his home. Describe it and give the details but keep them short. Then maybe he goes on about how it's good to be home he misses so and so his people etc. Tell more about the village. Setup to a possible "I remember when" moment and hit us with a quick flashback to SR in the village doing something memorable. I'm just spitballing here.

Then these caught my eye as well:
http://www.barefootsworld.net/wolveswithin.html

http://www.firstpeople.us/FP-Html-Legends/GrandmotherSpiderStealsTheSun-Cherokee.html

Now with that said all the stuff that was C&Ped I thought meh this sucks. It could've been that when I noticed it that it was sort of off putting but I would rather you have maybe had SR as a younger boy talking to his grandfather and his grandfather directly telling him about the wolves and SR being maybe young and reluctant at first but understanding as the story goes on. The story you told to the kids I got why you did it and that made sense. But it sort of seemed lacking. Like maybe you could've broken it up with some of SR's actions or interacting with the kids etc. Here again just a few suggestions.

The training part was cool but man I've seen a TON of training scenes over the years I've been doing this and this one was not to be rude but a little typical and what I expected to read for the most part. The peptalk with Yuko was good I enjoyed that part of the piece.

Lastly the shoot was pretty good I wish it was a little longer but that's because I enjoy shit talk. However you did a good enough job maintaining your character as I know a lot of people fuck up when they shoot by not staying true to character. Overall I think there were some good areas and some not so good. Some slight adjustments and you've got a VERY solid RP.


RP #2
Well this is the one where you sort of let it slip a bit. Personally I'm not a fan of the no sell sextape and everything be fine and dandy with SR and Leilani cause if it was like REAL life shit would fly and things would NOT be cool. I thought of that as like the perfect opportunity for Storming Raven to be like this lone wolf sort of conflicted about everything maybe lose it and run with that for a bit. It's your character and it's your choice though. I've also thought there should be more of a natural balance when writing couples not just having a robot chick that sings your praises all the time and worships your feet. That's a groupie not a girlfriend.

So for the Colt show that was good minus the saying she was drugged when she had admitted to it earlier. It makes SR seem in denial I'm not sure if that's intentional or not. Other than that I liked the Colt Cabana thing because well I like Colt Cabana and thought it was a cool idea.

Now for the shoot...well the shoot was honestly average. Mainly because you're trying to maintain Raven as a really good dude having issues with facing a woman and talking Blyss up rather than down which I get because of the character. However with this as the bulk of the shoot (http://www.firstpeople.us/FP-Html-Legends/Cherokee_Women-Cherokee.html) I can't really give much props for that. All in all it just seemed like you ran short of material on Blyss while maintaining your character's integrity. I wouldn't worry much because shoots can vary from opponent to opponent.

What I would do if you ever run into a problem where you can't really go on and on about your opponent is talk about yourself. What you think of the match and your current mindset as well as how confident you are etc. Maybe hit on some key points you wanted to establish previously in your RP. The shoot is the last chance to NAIL it and DRIVE your points home. Don't come weak make a statement.

Well that's my rundown for you. Sorry it took a little longer but I really wanted to dissect your work and offer my opinons on how you could improve and what your strengths and weaknesses are. Hopefully I didn't come off too prickish (I can ) but it's just me no disrespect meant.

Yea, I got them from different sites, but I actually took the time to type them out lol

I'd just break them up with some actions that'll add more dynamic to them. There's a lot of potential in the RPs every week set a goal of improvement and you'll be just fine.