Clever Title Name

[The promo opens with a shot of Titus Black dressed in some black silk boxers, and a crimson red smoking jacket like he stepped right out of the Fifties. An information bar pops up beneath him reading:

Trenton Titus Black, age 20, Pisces, Middle Child of three, All-State Athlete in three sports, Professional Wrestler.

The Scumdog of the Universe stretches his arms out and back giving an exaggerated yawn. He picks up a pile of paper, and sorts through it like he’s sorting out junk mail from his mail box. On a folded piece of paper with a scrawling cursive that reads simply, “Isolation Card” on it he drops everything else and opens the paper, scanning it and nodding. He folds the paper back up, and tosses it on the pile, and gives the camera a wink.]

Titus Black: Hellooooooooooooo Insurgents!

[El Rudo throws his arms out wide, you almost get a glimpse of one of his meat-rocket through the front of his boxers. Almost. He leans over and puts on a white cowboy hat with a black band on it.]

YEEEEEEE HAAAWWWWWW mother-fuckers! It’s Pay Per View time. A time where month long feuds come to a head and burst like a zit on the face of a fourteen year old Dungeons and Dragons role-player. Feuds like The New Guy against Rebranded Corey Casey, or General Managers EXPLODE~! vying for something that is surely pretty sweet.

I dunno, I haven’t really been paying attention, had my mind on other things, you know. Flying around the world, doing interviews in Japan, England, The Czech Republic, all to get people around the world rocking and rolling for the IWF! AndmebbesomeotherplacesIworktoo.

Turns out we had a draft, and I’m going to be competing on the latest World of Warcraft expansion, which is cool. I’m thinking of rolling a Goblin Thief named Titzy. I’m going to gank me some Gnomes, and it’ll be sweeeeeeeeeet, because fuck you gnomes. Fuck your little fucking asses.

[A slender blonde woman dressed in a French Maid costume saunters on screen and whispers into Titus’ ear.]

Uh-huh, really... you don’t say? Hmmm. Oh, well I guess that makes sense.

[The maid walks off, Titus silently ogling her as she leaves.]

My top notch staff here on the SkyTanic have informed me that Cataclysm is not, in fact, referencing the soul sucking creation of Blizzard Entertainment that has over 10 Million victi... I mean subscribers, but I will be competing in the ring under the Cataclysm banner. So... yay for that.

I guess.

Go Cataclysm General Manager guy... it’s a guy right? I mean I don’t have some Sarah Palin-esque power hungry cockgobbler chick as a boss right?

[The maid reappears, let’s call her Kiki, and whispers somemore.]

Okay, so it’d be kind of creepy for me to jerk it to my boss then?

[Kiki gives him a stern look.]

Whaaaaat? Both Shadow Demon and Chris Matthews are handsome men. I mean he’s on a show called Hardball that’s pretty erotic to begin with...

[Her frown deepens.]

...next you are going to tell me that Chris Matthews the host of Cable News Show Hardball isn’t attractive.

[Kiki just shakes her head and walks off.]

HE’S DREAMY LOOK INTO HIS EYES KIKI! LOOK INTO HIS EYES!

[He leans into the camera.]

She’ll never experience true love with an attitude like that, only meaningless sex with spiked-hair Jersey Shore rejects, and drunk make out sessions with her bi-curious Japanese coworker Aka.

Kiki: Stop putting me in your sexual fantasies Mr. Black!

Titus Black: ONLY AFTER YOU ADMIT CHRIS MATTHEWS IS DREAMY!

[A small stuffed 4 inch tall teddy bear that curiously looks like the internet meme, Pedobear flies from off-screen and hits Titus in the face, knocking his white cowboy hat off his head.]

My hat! How will the fans know that I’m a good guy without my white hat?

[The Devil’s Own recovers his hat and rests Pedobear on it’s brim after placing the hat back on his head.]

Now, back to matters at hand. I have a great challenge in front of me. I have to face a cowboy, a ninja, a black guy, a guy who shoots green fire, and some other guys who I don’t know enough about to make vague assumptions on, and Pancake Pete. With whom, I have much umbrage.

Pancake Pete, your life choice is a wrong one. Pancakes? Really? Pancakes are an inferior breakfast food Pete, if that’s your real name. Waffles are where it’s at, they give you everything a pancake does, only with delicious, tasty syrup catchers.

Your food is inferior, and your wrestling style has to be just as inferior, for that is how the world works, if you are bad at one point in your life you must be terrible at everything else. Unless you are Nick Ridicule, then you are automatically the best at everything, and you have a 18 inch dick and more moves than the Kama Sutra.

[Titus gives the camera a sarcastic wink. Random potshot at our resident Gary Stu? Check.]

As for you other people who aren’t me. Just get out of my way and practice landing on the cold hard concrete in a way that doesn’t completely cripple you for the rest of your careers, because you will not beat me. I hit a snag, a snafu, a road bump, but I’ve learned, I’m better today than I was yesterday, and I’ll be even better come Isolation, and for the rest of the sad sacks in the Battle Royale? That means failure, but I’m sure they are used to that kind of thing, so this will be nothing new to them.

Because I’m Titus Black, and they ain’t.

[Fade to Titus eating Dynoshiba Dine-o-mite Frozen Waffles, and giving the camera a thumbs up.,]