Coming to America....or maybe not.

Attention passengers. This flight will be non-stop from Rio de Janeiro to Los Angeles. At this time we will begin boarding. First class passengers may now approach the gate. Please have your boarding passes ready. Thank you for choosing Continental.

Thiago Oliveria stands up and throws his gym bag over his shoulder. He is wearing a black t-shirt that he more than likely paid entirely too much for, jeans that are probably made from the tears of unicorns, which is why they cost $800, and some sick ass Air Yeezy’s. That’s right, this mother fucker is wearing shoes designed by Kanye West.

Enough about how much Thiago is stylin’ on you though.

Thiago approaches the desk, there are two people waiting in line. Thiago doesn’t feel like waiting, though. Waiting is for peasants. That being true, Thiago slips to the front of the line and shoves his boarding pass in the employee’s face.

Thiago: Hurry up bitch. I’m tryin’ to get on this plane.

Employee: Sir, if you could please get to the back of the line and wait your…

Thiago: Listen here woman, I don’t wait for nothing or nobody. If you would just hurry up and do your job these assholes would be right back in front of the line anyhow. Chop chop

The flight attendant rolls her eyes and scans Thiago’s boarding pass, not wanting to cause a scene. He nods approvingly and enters the plane. A flight attendant is standing just inside the door to greet the passengers.

Flight Attendant: Welcome.

Thiago takes his bag off his shoulder and throws it in her direction.

Thiago: Yo, put this shit somewhere I need to sit down.

Flight Attendant: Sir, if you could just place your own bag in the…

Thiago: Bitch, shut your damn mouth. What did I tell you? Take that bag and put it somewhere. I’ve got a long flight ahead of me and some important business to take care of when I get to my destination. So if you could stop sassin’ me, I won’t have to put you in your place.

Flight Attendant: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down. We can’t have to acting this way on the flight.

Thiago laughs and waves the flight attendant off dismissively. He turns and heads for his seat.

Flight Attendant: Sir, you forgot your bag.

Thiago turns around, eyes wide.

Thiago: This bitch is CRAZY. Are you deaf? You put that shit away

By this time the other passengers are standing in the door, unable to enter the plane due to the scene that is playing out inside. The captain hears the commotion and walks out of the cockpit.

Captain: Is there a problem out here?

Thiago: Hell yeah there’s a problem. This hoe won’t do what I say. You need to check this one, dawg.

Flight Attendant: He wants me to put his bag away for him.

Captain: Sir, our flight attendants are not slaves. You seem able bodied, I’m sure you’ll have no problem putting you own bag away.

Thiago: Yo! Who does this mother fucker think he is?! Get the fuck out of here dude, you’re cramping my style anyhow.

Thiago again turns to go to his seat. The captain grabs him by the shoulder and turns him back, though. Thiago doesn’t take too kindly to this and slaps the captain’s hand off his shoulder.

Thiago: Get your fuckin hands off me, dick hole. You know how much this shirt cost?

Captain: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you the exit the plane.

Thiago: For WHAT? Bein’ too fly?

Captain: No, because you’re being rude and belligerent, I’m not going to put the other passengers at risk. Plus, you reek of alcohol.

Thiago: Sorry for partying.

The captain takes Thiago by the shoulder again and tries to lead him off the plane. Thiago slaps his hand away again.

Thiago: I got shit to do in the U.S., man! You can’t kick me off this flight. No way I’m gonna miss my IWF debut.

Captain: Sir, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Now please leave before I have to call the police.

Thiago: Man, don’t fuckin’ play with me. I know damn well that you know what I’m talkin’ about. Who paid you off? You think I’m fuckin stupid, homie? My brain is on another level, I’m a step ahead of you. I see what’s goin’ on here. Someone else who is planning on entering the Battle Royal heard that the homie Thiago Oliveria was planning on making his debut and they got scared so they called you up and offered you some cash to make sure I couldn’t make it back to the states in time. Don’t try to play me, dude. How much pay you? Don’t lie either, whatever it is, I’ll give you double.

Captain: Sir, I’m beginning to suspect you’re either extremely drunk, on a ton of drugs, or some combination of both. I’m calling the police.

Thiago: So you’re still tryin’ to play me for a fool, huh? Listen, dude, I realize that everyone in IWF fears my arrival. Why wouldn’t they? I’m light years ahead of all of them when it comes to talent. My hands and feet are lethal weapons, no shit dude. They made me registers these shits are legit lethal weapons. If I use them outside of the wrestling ring, I go straight to jail. Who wouldn’t fear someone like that? Those pathetic excuses for wrestlers know that I’ll run through that Battle Royal like it’s nothin’. So, I’ll ask you again, who paid you and how much did they pay you? I got the cash on me right now, homie. So what’s it gonna take? 5 stacks?

The captain is frozen, his jaw hanging open is disbelief at what is taking place right now.

Thiago: Damn, more? Alright, I’ll give you 10, will that take care of this bullshit? I got it in my bag, just tell your bitch flight attendant to get it out for me and we can get up in the air.

Captain: Sir, please exit my plane, right now. And if you know what’s good for you, you’d head right to rehab, because you’re clearly on an unthinkable amount of drugs. If you’re not, you’re clinically insane and you need to go to an insane asylum. I should do as I said and call the police, but if they arrest you you’ll last 5 seconds in prison before you lose what little of your mind you have left. So, I’m going to be nice and turn the other cheek. Just exit the plan and we’ll pretend this never happened. Okay?

Thiago: Ah shit, so it’s like that? Ain’t that some BULLSHIT? Whoever you’re working for, they’re paying you well, that’s for sure. Whatever though, I’ll find out who that son of a bitch is and I’ll give them an extra special ass kickin’ just for this bullshit, because there ain’t no way in hell I’m missing that match, homie. I’ll charter a private plane, you know your boy has the funds, ain’t nothin’. I want you to tune in for my match though, my man. Because Thiago Olivera is gonna make his presence felt and I want you to know that all of the injuries I cause are going to be on your head. Damn, I thought I was motivated before, but now? Shit. I’m about to show you what happens when you try to keep me from shinin’. Next stop, that mother fucking battle royal and, after that, I’m comin’ for that New Blood Title. That bling will look hella nice around my waist. Gimme my bag, slut.

Thiago snatches his bag from the feet of the flight attendant. He makes a gun with his hand, points it at the captain, and fires, winking at the captain as he shoves the confused passengers aside and exits the plane.