Farmer Dick [vs.] Uncanny Inferno [vs.] Desmond Young

Uncanny Inferno looks to make a massive impact in his IWF debut as he steps into the ring against both Farmer Dick and the extremely impressive Desmond Young!

- FLASHBACK -
Year: 2007
Scene: Agent’s Office

(A 22 year old Desmond Young, sits in a chair in roomy office of a sports agent by the name of Vince Hubert. Desmond keeps looking down at his hands nervously. The room is covered in several pieces of sports memorabilia. The door opens up and a hefty white man, dressed in an expensive designer suit, walks in. He’s got some files in his hands and sets them on the desk, as he sits down in the chair at desk.)

Agent: Alright Desmond … I’ve got some big news, buddy. I just got off of the phone with the Minnesota Vikings front office … They’re interested in signing you to a contract to play special teams and maybe some 3rd string running back. Looks like declining that Olympic coaching job turned into a great idea. This could be huge for you, Des. The beginning of hopefully a long and successful NFL career.

Desmond Young: Yeah that’s great …

Agent: Uh oh. What’s wrong? I thought you’d be way more excited than you are.

Desmond Young: Oh, it’s nothing. I am excited. This is big news.

Agent: Come on, Desmond. You’re dealing with a guy that’s gotten contracts for guys that’s ranged in the double digits, in the millions. I know an excited client when I see it. Right now, it looks like I’m seeing a client that got several million dollars less than they expect.

Desmond Young: It’s great news. It really is. Just …

Agent: Look, if there’s a problem. Let me know now because if you’re not all in on this thing, I’m not going to waste my time, the Vikings time or your time. Just tell me what’s on your mind.

Desmond Young: Well … I mean, I love football and all. But my heart is in wrestling.

Agent: Then why didn’t you take the coaching position with the US Olympic team?

Desmond Young: It’s just not for me.

Agent: Well there’s really nothing more you can do, then. I mean, you’re a 3 time Olympian. What else more can you do?

Desmond Young: Nothing, I know. It’s not that, that I want to pursue. I want to try and get into professional wrestling.

Agent: You’re kidding me, right?

Desmond Young: I’ve always been a huge fan. As a little kid, I’ve wanted to-

Agent: Look Des, you know what the odds are that you’ll ever be successful in professional wrestling? Slimer than a bulimic’s waist line. You’ll be lucky if you get yourself into a position to make more than $20 a show. I can get you guaranteed money, Desmond. Think about it. Do you want to risk losing money by taking a risk on wrestling or make money, at least, well into the hundreds of thousands, guaranteed. It sounds like a no brainer to me.

Desmond Young: I know it’s a risk. But it’s something I love and something I’ve always wanted to be a part of. Don’t get me wrong, I love football too. But my heart and soul just aren’t into it, like wrestling.

Agent: I’ll be real blunt with you, Desmond, because I don’t want you to throw away your career. You’re fresh off of another successful showing in the Olympics. The Vikings are looking to throw some good money your way. With the NFL and your amateur wrestling success under your belt, you’re setting yourself up for a very nice life. If you go and do this wrestling thing, you might as well throw all of your work and success out of the window because people within pro-wrestling could give a shit less about amateur wrestling. Between paying for wrestling school, all the expenses, you’ll lose money and you’ll fade off into obscurity because you don’t have any money left. Simply put, the odds of you making it are just as good as me making me and look at me. I’m 250 pounds of meatloaf and potatoes. I don’t have an athletic body in my bone but I do have one thing and that’s a savvy business mind. Just listen to me. I can understand that you love wrestling but think about your future. Think about the fortune and fame. Even if you don’t become a pro-bowl all star player, you still get to say that your in the NFL and stand a very good chance at making millions one day.

Desmond Young: I appreciate you looking out for me, I do. But I don’t need the fortune and fame. I just want to be able to be out there and wowing crowds around the world and give them a good show. If fortune and fame come with that, it’s a bonus.

Agent: Desmond, in life, sometimes you have to think with your head and not your heart. This is one of those times. You say that stuff now but when you’re struggling to make ends meet, spending on a day to day basis, you’ll regret it.

Desmond Young: I’m sorry, Vince. I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to pursue my dreams of being a wrestler.

Agent: You’re positive about this?

Desmond Young: Yes. I know it’s a risk and it’s a gamble. But sometimes in life, you have to take risks.

Agent: Alright then. It’s clear I can’t make you change your mind. I’ll get in contact with the Vikings and let them know about your intentions but after that, I’m sorry to inform you that I will be severing ties between us. I have an image and a reputation to uphold and I can’t represent some no name wrestler who will be lucky to get more than a handshake and a hotdog as payment on most nights.

Desmond Young: If that’s how it’s got to be then so be it. Thanks for the work you’ve done over the last couple of years for me.

(He nods his head at Desmond, as Desmond stands up and extends his hand. Vince returns the handshake and Desmond walks towards the door. He opens it up and begins to walk out but before closing the door, turns around and stops.)

Desmond Young: One more thing … I will make it in wrestling. I know it’s a long shot. But I will do it. I’ll prove you wrong. No one can stop me from achieving what I want.

(He closes the door, walking away, as the scene fades out.)

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- PRESENT DAY -

(The scene opens up with Javier Sanchez standing outside of Desmond’s locker room door, with a mic in hand.)

Javier Sanchez: Folks, any moment now, I’m expecting Desmond Young to be making his way out and I’m hoping to get a few words with him before his upcoming match up against-

(Just then the door opens and Desmond walks out with a girl on each arm and a grin on his face.)

Javier Sanchez: And here is, Desmond Young … And it looks like he has some company.

(They each give him a peck on the check, at the same time and start to walk away.)

Girls: Byeeee Desmond.

(Desmond lowers his glasses, watching them as leave and nodding his head.)

Javier Sanchez: Desmond, I’ve talked to several insiders in the business and while you’re winless thus far in the IWF, they’re saying that you are one of the most exciting young prospects here, as proven by a poll by the people who watch-

(Just then, Desmond puts a finger to Jonathon’s lips, signaling him to be quiet.)

Desmond Young: People? Oh, you mean the same people that boo me, week in and week out? The same people, who take someone like me for granted? The same people who, at one time in my career, called me a sell out?

(Desmond lets out a slight grunt/laugh.)

Desmond Young: Yeah .. That’s right. Desmond Young is a sell out. Desmond Young sells out arenas. Desmond Young sells out merchandise stands. THAT’S what makes Desmond Young a sell out. Yeah … You see Javier, I don’t care about those people. I don’t care if there’s 20,000 or 20 people, out there. It’s not about them. It’s about me … “The A.S.S.“ … Desmond Young.

(Desmond adjusts his glasses and rubs his hands together.)

Desmond Young: You see, I’m here tonight for one reason and one reason only. And it’s certainly not because I’m here for … The people. I’m here, to prove that I am one of the best wrestlers in the world today. I had people tell me that I wouldn’t amount to anything more than a piece of crap on the bottom of someone’s shoe, in the wrestling business. But I’m out here to prove them wrong. Sure, I was successful in one company, but that’s not enough for me. I’ve been successful my whole life and I’m not going to just stop now. Everywhere I’ve gone, everything I’ve done … I’ve been the top dog. And here in the IWF, isn’t going to be any different.

Javier Sanchez: So it sounds like you believe that your losing ways are going to end, this week?

Desmond Young: You bet your ass it is. Look at the competition, if you want to call it that. My competition is a large hillbilly who has allusions of grandeur that he can go from being a hog farmer to being a wrestling champion. He thinks he can go from wrestling pigs, to wrestling first class athletes like myself. Well let me tell Farmer Dick a little something about how this world works. There’s a big difference from chasing down a couple of chickens that got loose and chasing down a 3 time all American. I look at Farmer Dick and I see nothing but a joke. He’s got the athleticism of Stephen Hawking. He’s got the mental capacity of a bus full of middle school kids. A short bus that is. And then there’s … What’s the other guys name?

Javier Sanchez: The Uncanny Inferno.

Desmond Young: Right, The Uncanny Infer- .. Wait … What in the name of Jesus is an Uncanny Inferno?

Javier Sanchez: Ummmm … I don’t know.

Desmond Young: It was a hypothetical question you nerd.

Javier Sanchez: Oh …

Desmond Young: But since you’re in the mood to answer questions, instead of ask them, what’s this guy’s deal?

Javier Sanchez: Well, I don’t know a whole lot about him myself but from what I can gather, he’s kinda like a real life superhero who fights crime and is on a crusade against evil.

Desmond Young: ……………

Javier Sanchez: What?

Desmond Young: You’re shitting me, right?

Javier Sanchez: No, why?

Desmond Young: What the fu- … Where in God’s name does management find these people? Do they go to freak shows, carnivals and nut houses to recruit new talent? What ever happened to going to wrestling shows and recruiting .. You know .. Actual wrestlers? Like me? Whatever. It doesn’t matter if I’m facing some guy who cleans up horse shit for a living or a guy who runs around with a plastic mask on his face and a blanket on his back, pretending to be a superhero. I will be victorious and I will prove to everyone in the IWF that I deserve to be placed among the best in this company. And nobody is gonna stop me. Especially not two guys who are more fit to be in some low budget comedy sitcom. Because I am “The A.S.S.” And you can either like “The A.S.S.” .. Or you can kiss the ass.

(He walks back into his locker room, shutting the door in the face of Javier, as the scene fades out.)

|-|-| The scene opens with a shot of the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The camera slowly pans down to a large sign that reads “JOIN ALL OF YOUR FAVORITE IWF WRESTLERS AT A LIVE PRESS CONFERENCE HERE TONIGHT, AT 7:45 PM!” We cut down to a shot of the front of the building, where we see a crowd of people waiting inside; before the camera cuts inside. We see a few different booths set up with different superstars names spread out on them for autograph signings. In the center of the room however there is a massive stage, where there’s a podium set up. Chairs line the front of the stage, and the first three rows are all paparazzi and sports/wrestling journalists. We cut to the back, where the superstars who are going to be speaking are all standing around. Suddenly, there is a commotion at the back ‘superstar entrance’ door. The cameraman approaches and opens the door, revealing Farmer Dick standing next to 3 security guards. Farmer Dick has Tessy tight in his grasps, and the security all seem very upset. |-|-|

Security Guard 1: Sir, for the last time there is a strict no-animal clause… what the hell is that anyways!?

Security Guard 2: Who cares, it’s a stupid chicken or something.

Farmer Dick: Hey now! I’ll have ya know, this here ain’t be jus’ any gosh dang chicken! This here is a prize winnin’ farm animal! This is my cock, Tessy!

Security Guard 3: Well sir you’re just going to have to leave your cock out here with us.

Farmer Dick: I will not! Ol’ Tessy is fussy, and I don’t jus’ let any ol’ body go an handle my cock ya see?

Security Guard 2: Sir, we don’t want to use force. Just give us your cock.

Farmer Dick: NO!

Security Guard 2: GIVE ME YOUR COCK!

Farmer Dick: NEVER!

Security Guard 2: YOU GIVE ME YOUR COCK RIGHT NOW OR I’LL TAKE IT FROM YOU!!!

Farmer Dick: YOU’LL HAVE TO BURRY ME DEAD B’FORE I’D GO AND LET YOU TAKE MY COCK!!!

|-|-| The two stare off, the security guard and Farmer Dick. Finally, the security guard backs off and shakes his head. |-|-|

Security Guard 2: Whatever. You know what? Go ahead, but if that stupid chicken makes a mess you’re paying for the damage!

Farmer Dick: Pshhh… you’ll see! I got my cock trained so he never makes a mess! He knows he’d get a good ol’ beatin’ if he makes a mess!

|-|-| The farmer adjusts his rooster in his arms, before entering the building. He walks up and in, waving at some of the staff and superstars backstage; most of which goes unseen or unreciprocated. We hear a booming voice suddenly hit over the intercom. |-|-|

Voiceover: LADDDDDDDDDDDDDIEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS AND GENTLEMAN… PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE FIRST…………. FARMER… DICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!

|-|-| The fans cheer and Farmer’s head peeps up as he hears his name called. |-|-|

Farmer Dick: Hot dog… that was quick!

|-|-| He marches out of a curtain to a huge ovation! He waves to all of the fans there, walking up to the podium. He sets Tessy down in front of the podium, leaning up to the microphone. |-|-|

Farmer Dick: Well howdy ya’ll! It sure is fine to be here with ya’ll tonight! Now I ain’t one of them fellas who like to stand around and jibba jabba and flop their gums all over the place, so lets get started with this questionin’ thingy alright? I’ll point atcha, and you tell me your name and who ya representin’, alrighty?

|-|-| A bunch of the people in the front row start to raise their hands, and Farmer Dick looks around. He points at a woman in a maroon suit. |-|-|

Farmer Dick: You right there hunny, what’s your name?

Woman: Hello, my name is Saundra Bigly from Wrestle Informer Live. My question for you is this. After your lose last week, has it effected your mindset at all?

Farmer Dick: Nawwww lil’ lady it didn’t. Ya win some, you lose a lot more. My daddy always used to tell me that ya know. I didn’t wanna get a big head or nuthin’, but I would be lyin’ if I said I didn’t wanna win that first match. I mean it’s always a good thing to-… well… make a good impression. But nothin’ to dwell on.

Next? How about… you in the blue suit thingy.

|-|-| Farmer Dick points to a larger man. He stands with a smirk. |-|-|

Man: Hey, I’m Chris Admasmith from Wrestle Talk Info. So rumor has it, you own the biggest cock in all of Arkansas?!

Farmer Dick: Well yes I do! Thank you for asking.

Chris Adamsmith: Well… do you have any proof of this said enormous cock?

Famer Dick: Why yes I do! Hold on and let me pull it out…

|-|-| He leans down and pulls up Tessy to a huge ovation! |-|-|

Chris Adamsmith: Woah! That is a huge cock!

Farmer Dick: Well Big Dick needs a big ol’ cock for his farm right? Hahaha anyways… lets go with you. The little fella with the hat over there!

Guy: Hey there Farmer Dick! I’m Russell Weenstin, from Xtreme Pro Sports dot com. My question for you is this. People are saying that you are kind of a… well… you’re not a ‘serious wrestler’ and yet this week you’re facing a guy who claims to be… a superhero. He goes by The Uncanny Inferno! What are your thoughts?

Farmer Dick: Well shoot, I ain’t got no problem with a guy who likes to bring harm to bad fellas and harm doers. I mean shucks who would be opposed to that? Now I don’t really know if I believe in superheros… I mean… this guy might be some kinda wrestlin’ vigilante or somethin’ I do done suppose. That bein’ said, I don’t see what this Uncanny Inferno could have against ol’ Dick. I mean I ain’t done no harm to nobodies. I’m justa country bumpkin who’s tryin’ to make a livin’ in this business that I has them feelins for. I love wrestlin’, and I feel like anybody like this Uncanny Inferno fella can respect that.

Russell Weenstin: Well I’m sure he does respect that, but do you have any worries about a man who fights crime for a living? That’s a pretty impressive background.

Farmer Dick: Well that’s true. But I outlasted two other fellas last week before being eliminated by Flex Johnson. I was called “Very Impressive” by a couple of people, so I suppose I don’t have the worst track record in wrasslin’. If you’re talkin’ strictly backgrounds, who are you gonna put your money on? A man who runs around streets fightin’ druggies and sketchy convicts… or a guy who has lived his life carryin’ barrels of hay, liftin’ goats and cows, pushin’ tractors? A man who has gotten his hands dirty? I personally am goin’ with the farmer. Biasedly, of course.

Now lets see… how about you there sweety with the floral dress?

Girl: Hi there! Katie Layne from Wrestling Layne Radio. Throughout history guys here and there have competed in the woman’s division. Would you be willing to allow the IWF to put you in the woman’s division?

Farmer Dick: Haha I’m not sure what you’re askin’ me.

Girl: Would you like to put Dick in the Divas?

Farmer Dick: Well ya know I suppose… if it came down to it and they got some big ol’ country girls up in here. Now Dick usually doesn’t pound woman, but if it came down in it, Dick will pound them just like he pounds the men.

Okay, last one! You there in the green sweater vest!

Dude: Why hello! I’m Lenny Jennings from World Wide Independent. Ok so you’re going to be going up against a man who has been voted the fastest rising star in IWF, Desmond Young. How does that feel?

Farmer Dick: Now I done did went and did my homework once again, and Desmond Young is certainly a very impressive fall yes indeedy. He’s young, he’s fast, he’s strong, he’s cocky, he’s got the full package. He’s a former Champion in other federations, so he’s not one to go done take lightly or nuthin’. But ya see that’s just the thing. He thinks ol’ Farmer Dick is nothin’ but a loser. A joke. But I’m feelin’ prove him wrong. I’m feelin’ like Farmer Dick should go out there and give him a good ol’ country thrashing like my papa used to give me when I talked the way he does goes and talks. As a matter of fact I think that’s what Farmer Dick’s gonna do. Dick’s gonna pound that boy.

But I will say this, there is a lot of hype goin’ around about us bein’ rookies. Nobody has seen Uncanny Inferno, so all they hype is just me and Desmond. The Farmer and Young. Dick ‘N’ A.S.S. Well I’ll tell ya this. When Dick meets A.S.S. … it certainly is gonna get rough. I promise ya that!

Thank you all for your time, I’ll see ya’ll IWFians soon! Yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaawww!!!

|-|-| Farmer Dick grabs his cock, and exits the stage to a huge ovation as the scene slowly fades to black. |-|-|