Gotta Take a Piss....

Hi there Kiddies, my name is Axel Van Osbourne, you may know me from such 80's metal bands as Platnium Blonde and wrestling promotions like FWE and Full Metal Wrestling. No? Well fuck you!! I kid I kid. Sit on down for a spell and let me tell you a lil about.... me.

...I fronted a successful 80's hair band named Platnium Blonde, it was one of those ironically cool names because none of the guys were actually blonde. We were big on the Sunset Strip scene playing clubs like the Rainbow Room and the like. A few years into my amazing fame, I got bored. Bored with booze, drugs, and loose women...how is that possible you may ask?? Well look at it like this....Do you get bored flipping burgers at In and Out for seven dollars an hour?? Do you get bored fapping to hot big titted models in Penthouse?? You know you do, well that is your life and just like you are bored with your pitiful exsitance I was bored with the rocker lifestyle. I wanted out and just didn't know what to do with myself. So like I usually did when I was at a personal or moral crossroads, I drank. Oh and I took my favorite roadie with me along with the familiar face, for you all at least, of Vinnie Van Rose. The guy had to start somewhere right?? Well this is what went on that night at the local dive bar....

AVO: Lenny, have you ever just wanted to say fuck it?? Have you just ever wanted to take your ball and go home? I am just not feeling this shit anymore. The guys don't feel the need to come up with anything new, they feel like asf long as the hoochies are knocking on our door and we can cash the check from the record company why fuck with it. Me, man, I want to try new shit and go and push the envelope. So my question to you Lenny is what do I do??

Lenny: You may not know this Axel mate, but good ol' Lenny was married once. I know hard to believe right?? I was married to the bird I thought was the be all and end all man, I thought her and me were gonna be golden oldies together man. But, she didn't cuz I found out she was fucking anything with a cock and balls and I think the balls thing was optional. I had come back from a particularly rough tour with Zep and she laid into me full force abou this that and the other. All I wanted to do was drink me beer and decompress man, but she wasn't having that man, she wasn't having it at all. So I got up outta the Lazy Boy and told her I had to take a piss. I walked on down the hall, out the back door and never looked back man....

Vinnie: Holy Shit man, you just got up and left, ya told her you had to take a piss and you just fucking left?? That's some crazy ass shit....

...I just shook my head, I knew Lenny was off the chain, but I was with Vinnie, that is some crazy ass shit...I patted Lenny across the shoulders and chuckled...

AVO: I wonder how long it took the old bird to realize you wasn't comin' home man??

Lenny: Well, I don't know for sure mate, but I do know she is married to my best mate from back at university and they have like 5 kids, not the life I want but to each their own man, to each their own. Point being, if you wanna lay down the guitar and mic, do it on your own terms man, go out the way you want to not the way these fuckers want you to....

AVO: You always know exactly what to say my man, you are like fucking Yoda and shit.....

Lenny: I have just lived the hell outta life man, and that's all you can do.....

....Lenny, Vinnie, and I had a few more and poured ourselves into a cab heading back to the hotel we were staying in with the band. After Lenny's lil talk I felt more centered and knew what I had ahead of me. We were playing Dodger Stadium that night and for me and the guys this was like a homecoming, considering we came together on Sunset to set the world on fire, and it would be a fitting end to this chapter in my life too. No one knew it but me however.....

I was determined to make this show, my fnal show epic. I was pulling out all the stops, giving everything I had on every number. We had come to the final song of the night and I was really going balls to the wall man. All out. Just then I looked down at a guy in the front row, dressed just like me, hitting those screaming high notes just like me and even doing all the motions I would normally do. I winked at a couple of big titted blondes sitting close to him and then I just stopped. I know weird to just stop in the middle of a song like that, but I did. I pulled him up on stage and asked him if he wanted to finish the song. This dude went batshit crazy and took the mic from my hands rocking out. Me, I made my way off stage clapping my guitarist on the back onmy way out. Lenny was standing just off stage like always, this time with a knowing look on his face....

Lenny: Where ya goin mate??

AVO: Me.... I gotta take a piss....

...With that I walked out the door and never looked back. After that I just left...I checked myself into rehab and just disappeared. I went to one of those ranch style places in Arizona totally anonymous, no high profile Betty Ford bullshit for me. I spent the next year or so getting rid of all my demons...No more drugs or booze for me. I kept up with Platnium Blonde from time to time and for all I know they could be out on their umpteenth reunion tour. I tried to get back into the music business a couple times but it just never felt right. Arena rock was dead and Seattle grunge had fully taken hold by that time and that wasn't my scene. One day a friend of mine, we will call him Scotty, called me up saying he had an opportunity I couldn't pass up...Intruiged I met him for lunch in near by Scotsdale and it was there that I signed a contract for an up and coming wrestling promotion called the FWE. It was here I made some great friends and sworn enemies, where I honed my craft and became the best of the best. After years and years of screaming fans and the like I could feel myself headed down the road to my old life....I had a meeting one day with the FWE brass...

FWE COO: So let me get this straight, in the middle of a Heavy Weight Title reign, at the peak of your career, you just want to hand me the strap and leave....You are one of my biggest draws I doubt the board and the network are just going to let you walk away....

AVO: I honestly don't give a rat's ass what you do. Hold a tournament for the damn thing, give it to Platnium Punk or EZD. Hell hand the thing to Mikado for all I care...I am out....

FWE COO: I told Scott years ago you were a risk I knew this would happen one day....I read somewhere that when you fronted Platnium Blonde, you just walked off the stage during the biggest song. When they interviewed the roadie after the show he said you told him you had to take a piss and just left....

AVO: And yet you still signed me didn't you. You still used good ol Axel Van Osbourne like the work hourse he is. It didn't bother you when you wrre counting up all that cash did it??

...I got up lighting a cigarette and pacing a bit....

FWE COO: Where in the blue hell do you think you are going??

AVO: I gotta take a piss man.....

....I walked out the door smilingear to ear. I could hear the guy slamming shit and throwing papers all over, but I didn't care. I shook hands with some guys on the way out and hopped inmy car and left....Later that night on the FWE's PPV the brass announced my "retirement" and laid out the plans for a bracketed tournament to find a new holder for my strap....I don't know who won and I don't care. After that I disappeared for awhile, taking up residence on an indian reservation trying to get my mind right again. I bounced around a few smaller wrestling promotions and never really got the same foothold....

...Axel closed a big book on his lap, smiling at the camera....

AVO: And that brings us to the present....How you may ask did I have a big ass book with my life history in it?? Well folks this is TV Land....This is the point in the show where the conquering hero tells you he is.....BACK!!! Yes ladies and germs Chuck Matthews and Corey Casey came to me with a chance to ride off into the sunset under my own terms and have a lil fun while I do it....Brandon Macdonald would have been there but he is a lil indisposed right now.....The Insurgency wants Uncle Axel, the Once and Future King, to climb back in the squared circle and tear it up one last time...Oh my stars and garters whatever shall I do.....

Axel looks down at the contract on the table, looks over at the camera and smiles. He grabs the pen and scribbles with a flourish, holding the signed contract up for all to see....An unseen crowd goes ape shit, and AVO addresses the camera one last time...

AVO: There ya go Chuckles....AVO is all yours....Right now ... I gotta take a piss....

....The camera fades to black as we see AVO lighting a cigarrette walking down the hall....