Hawk Talk

The scene opens on a set. Jason Hawk and Matt Biggars sit behind a desk.

Jason Hawk.
Hello and welcome to the highest rated show on MEN TV! Only out-rated by The Alison Williams Peep Show of course! Tonight we have a great show for you! We are gonna talk Pick Your Poison. Mostly about Dan Alexander, Bryan Blaze and how awesome Apex is!

Matt Biggars.
It is all true and all because a one-eyed hen has more eyes than three bottles of ketchup!

Jason Hawk.
And by my side I have my best friend Matt Biggars. The man way smarter then a suicide victim.

Matt Biggars.
And I am not as insecure about my feelings like Dan Alexander!

Jason Hawk.
If there is anyone that is insecure and butthurt it is Dan Alexander!

Matt Biggars.
But there is a good reason for this! Dan talked this week about how Apex has nothing but three sluts hanghing around them and that girls don't mean anything. We all know that is a lie but we know why Dan thinks this. Dan Alexander is the only man in the world that has been rejected by Alison Williams!

Jason Hawk.
Even Chad Mason could get with Alison. Very good observation there Matt.

Matt Biggars.
As good as three blue letters on a DVD.

Jason Hawk.
But people fear not! Dan is alright! He has found love! But.. it is a little Timish... Anyone remember how Dan has always hated everyone in IWF? I sure do. Now Dan can't even have his way with Alison Williams he suddenly likes Bryan Blaze. Coincidence? I think not.

Matt Biggars.
Dan has turned to the other sex. But that is alright. Who are we to judge? If Dan likes taking it up the ass who are we to stop him in taking it up the ass.

Jason Hawk.
But really? Does this come as a surprise to anyone? I mean, more times than not. Dan enters the ring. Gets fucked and leaves with another loss.

Matt Biggars.
Now now, Jason.We must ease up on these Tim jokes. Remember what MEN TV said about them.

Jason Hawk.
Disregarding that! Why? Because I say we can!

Matt Biggars.
Here on Hawk Talk we do whatever we want just like an elephant in a balloon. Now back to Dan Alexander.

Jason Hawk.
Remember when Dan Alexander called Alison a mega slut?

Matt Biggars.
Yes.

Jason Hawk.
That must mean that not even mega sluts would go for Dan Alexander!

Matt Biggars.
Dan Alexander is the Ryan Apollos of dating. His biggest accomplishment was that he once lasted for 10 entire minutes! Just like Apollos' only world title reign.

Jason Hawk.
Also this week Dan claimed that no one takes him seriously. This isn't so weird. Because have you ever hear Dan talk? There comes more bullshit out of Dan's mouth than a bull's anus and to top it all of he has the personality of Chris Matthews.

Matt Biggars.
What personality?

Jason Hawk.
Exactly.

Matt Biggars.
Even a circle of toilet paper trash bins have more personality than Dan Alexander.

Jason Hawk.
Dan Alexander claims that he will not just be standing there at Pick Your Poison. That is very true. Because Dan Alexander will be laying down on all four taking it in the ass from Bryan Blaze. What? You thought IWF would only give you Ashley Matthews against Alison Williams? Also known as lesbian porn on PPV? No, we believe in equality. So we had to bring something for the women too!

Matt Biggars.
And you girls are welcome!

Jason Hawk.
But that is enough of that! Matt! Tell all our viewers how awesome Apex is!

Matt Biggars.
Apex is so good that scientist don't even know how they are so good. They are so good that they will beat butter and kool-aid any day. Apex are so awesome that even ghosts and monsters are scared of them. Apex is so fantastic that if a ship and Apex collided the ship would sink. Apex is so awesome that I would quit smoking weed if they told me too.

Jason Hawk.
We would ask you to do such a horrible thing buddy. But anyways. Between Chuck and myself we have won over 30 titles. Out of all those titles 11 are tag team titles. We are tag team specialists. There is no way that a team that literally has just formed will be able to beat us. No one will. We will never lost these titles. They are ours and they will forever stay ours. We will bring so much prestige to these titles that we will main event PPVs defending these titles. They will become the biggest prize in professional wrestling! Screw the IWF title. Screw the High Impact title. The IWF Tag Team titles are where it is at! Why do you ask? Because we are Jason Hawk and Chuck Matthews. Those are some big names in professional wrestling. We were at the top before anyone knew there was a Dan Alexander out there. We were multiple world champions before the fans had any idea that Dan Alexander existed! You can fire that back at us by telling us that we are getting old. We are past our primes. Your time is coming and all that. But the thing is. But Chuck and I are younger then you Dan. You are 29. Chuck is 26 and I am 23. We are younger, more experienced and simply better than you Dan. Sure you can always tell us about what you won. I can even tell it. I have a list of your accomplishments right here and there are quiet a few titles here. There is only one thing though. Thefuck is VOW? IWA? GWC? EWGF? Thefuck are all those companies? Never have I ever heard of them before! And these titles are all defunct so these companies must be dead. There is another reason Dan must not get these tag team titles. Dan is part of the shitty champions group. Dan is the worst of them. Dan is the only one to have had the title succesfully defended against him. Everyone were able to get the title in their first try. James Shark, Vincent Van Rose, Corey Casey, everyone! Except Dan Alexander. Dan is not championship material. Dan cannot be a good champion and don't come with that about how I couldn't have held the title either. It is just a silly thing to say. So far I am the best champion there has been in IWF! Never in my IWF career as an active wrestler have I not been champion! Debuted and won the Full Throttle title. Returned won the tag titles. My Full Throttle title run is the best that has been in IWF by far! I defended my title against three former IWF champions, the only IWF hall of famer and the greatest wrestler in the world Nick Ridicule. Can you beat that Dan? You can't. The Apex army is about to steam roll through IWF.

Are you enlisted?